Bye Bye Hooters

Happy Thanksgiving 2011!

2011-11-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and so much has happened in my life leading up to today. I have survived one of the scariest diseases that many women are faced with today. I survived Breast Cancer and I am very Thankful for my life... I have two beautiful children and a wonderful man in my life. I also have an awsome family who has supported me throughout my journey. I am thankful for my wonderful sister Janeine who has stood beside me and held my hand and wiped away the tears when I cried and hugged me when I needed one most. She also is a Breast Cancer Survivor! I am thankful for so much I could write a book about everyone... Most important is that I have my life- that is what I am thankful for the most. I hope everyone has a wonderul Thanksgiving... really think about the things you are thankful for this year... and what it means to you....

Stephanie

Was I that STRONG or did I just do what I had to do??

2011-11-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

Do we become stronger when we are faced with Cancer? When I first heard I had Breast Cancer I was simply scared out of my mind.... As the days passed and I knew what lied ahead I got this frantic feeling that ran all the way down my back along my spine.... scared to death and I could do nothing but cry. But when the reality of what I had to do came on March 29, 2010 I had to suck it up and be strong and just do it. The reason I am writing this today is many people tell me that they are so proud of me and that I am such a strong person. BULLSHIT! I was the weakest person... You become stronger through the process- your just not like "Hey, I am strong I can do this" when your diagnoised, your freightened and terrified, NOT STRONG people! Your so scared and freightened that the cancer is going to kill you that there is nothing else you can even think about. But, when it comes down to the day of surgery and in your mind you sure as hell don't wanna do this, but know you have to and there is no other choice, that is when you as a person becomes stronger. I hate needles, let me repeat that I HATE NEEDLES!! My biggest fear was the IV but when the nurse was putting it in and I was crying so hard, my little baby neice Ayvrie started rubbing my arm telling me it was going to be ok Aunt Stephie.... at that moment I knew that I had to become stronger and do what I had to do to survive this disease. I am not a strong person is my point, you become strong because you have no other choice but to be strong and have the courage to get through it all. So when people tell me your such a strong person Stephanie, I couldn't have done it. I think to myself - I am not strong at all I am so weak I just had to do what I had to do to get on the other side of this terrible disease, cancer FREE! Here I am with the scars to prove what I have been through, the scars that ripped my breasts off my chest because cancer had invaded one of them... I get so angry at times and wonder why me? There is no answer, I'm a Survivor not labeled as a Strong person in my eyes, just a Survivor....

Breast cancer survivor decries patdown at JFK

2011-10-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

I just had to post this I think it is a terrible story... I too was horrified when I had expanders in and flew to Dallas TX. Thank God this didn't happen to me... I would have been furious!!! (p.s. this is not the actual photo of the girl that was patted down) I just like to utilize a photo for every entry I write...

..NEW YORK (AP) — A breast cancer survivor says she was subjected to a humiliating public patdown at a New York airport even though she offered to produce documentation about her medical implants.
Business consultant Lori Dorn said in a blog that the patdown at John F. Kennedy International Airport added "insult to injury and caused me a great deal of humiliation. "The TSA later apologized for the incident.

Dorn was heading to San Francisco last week when a full-body scanner detected her prostheses. Dorn said she explained she had recently undergone bilateral mastectomy and had tissue expanders implanted for future breast reconstruction. A Transportation Security Administration agent refused to let her retrieve documentation from her wallet "that explains the type of expanders, serial numbers and my doctor's information," she said.

"I had no choice but to allow an agent to touch my breasts in front of other passengers," Dorn said.

In a tweet on her Twitter account Monday, Dorn said she received an apology from a JFK official "who agreed that proper policy wasn't followed."

In its own blog, the TSA said it regretted the incident.

"We do our best to treat passengers with the dignity and respect they deserve, but in Lori Dorn's case, it looks like we missed our mark," it said.

The TSA said the security director at JFK has reached out to Dorn to learn more about what happened.

The agency said medical cards "are a great way for passengers to discreetly let us know about a medical situation or disability," and in Dorn's case TSA agents should have "been more empathetic to her situation."

It added that private screenings can be requested by anyone for any reason.

The agency said it recently rolled out a four-part in-service training course focused on screening prosthetics. Training is expected to be completed across the country in over a year.

Dorn said that while she understood the need for safety, airport security agents needed to show compassion and sensitivity.

..

Missing the nice pretty lacey bras

2011-10-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would ever say this after going a year and 5 months without having to wear a bra, that I truly miss purchasing all the lacey colorful bras to wear. I have thought about purchasing a mastectomy bra but 1 reason I haven't done this is they feel weird now. It just isn't the same as it was with my real breasts... Since my chest is numb I feel like when I put a bra on even a sports bra I feel like it is squeezing me so tight. I just can't wear one! I have gone braless for so long I have found my comfort zone. And honestly all women who have had a mastectomy w/reconstruction and implants no longer have to wear one. I have chose not too. But in all honestly, as a women we like the lacey pretty things in our lives that is what makes us feminine. I often look as I shop sometimes just peak at some of the bras on display and think hmmm sometimes I wish I could pick me out a nice sexy bra to wear. But I know deep down that it just won't feel good on and I continue to walk away. But it just makes me sad that I can't go shopping for a new pretty lacey bra pink I say because it would just be a waste of money for me to purchase because everytime I have tried it just doesn't feel right. I feel so cheated sometimes. But you have to always think about that life is way more important than a bra, you can replace bras but you can not replace a life....

Race for the Cure Susan G. Komen 2011

2011-09-26T06:03:00.000-07:00

Me and my daughter Shanie Kristine!

Me and the Pink Firetruck!

Me and my daughter Sarah Renae standing by Pink Firetruck for the Cure!

My daughters supporting their Momma Sarah and Shanie

This is what I wrote on the pink firetruck "In loving Memory of my Mommy"

What I wrote on the pink firetruck about me Survivor!

That's right Pink Heals!

Me and my plastic surgeon... Dr. Joseph Poggi (best guy ever! love him dearly) without him I couldn't have done this! He helped me through so much!

Sarah, Me and Shanie! Rocking Race for the Cure 2011!!

Behind me on the left I wrote out in celebration of.. my sister Janeine Leon, In loving memory of my sister Gracia Helen and my Mother Juanita Simler! These were posted on the board by the survivor stand!

So many Survivors! I was so proud to be standing with all these women! May God bless us all and help us get through this and continue to be Survivors!!! We are strong and have a lot of courage!

Poggi Pride's Team! We won for the team that raised the most $! Go Poggi Pride!! We rock!

My kids, Sarah, Shanie and Shanie's little man Michael! Him was supporting me too!

Race for the Cure 2011

2011-09-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

In two days the Race for the Cure begins! Woot Woot! This is last years picture see me in the middle? I am sure you do! LOL! There is so much pink it is hard to see!

I am so excited about this years race, my team has already raised $10,000.00! That is the highest team so far here in Wichita! That is pretty awsome! My co-worker Shelli, her Mother has given me her Race for the Cure pins from years ago to wear in honor of her on Saturday and I will wear it with pride for us both! She has been a survivor since 1992!Woot Woot! I know I will meet many more people each time that I attend a race. My girls are walking with me this year which makes me feel so special. Without them I wouldn't be here. I hope to have new pictures up from the race I am sure it is going to be an awsome day!

In the months after Mastectomy

2011-09-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

Your body will continue to adjust to the effects of the surgery over a period of months. Here are some things to keep in mind:

You may have “phantom sensations” or “phantom pain” in the months after mastectomy: As nerves regrow, you may feel a weird crawly sensation, you may itch, you may be very sensitive to touch, and you may feel pressure. Your discomfort may go away by itself, or it may persist but you adapt to it. Analgesics and NSAIDs (pronounced EN-seds) such as acetaminophen and ibuprofen usually can address the pain related to this type of nerve injury. Opioids (pronounced OH-pee-oydz) also can be used to treat this type of pain. Read more about managing phantom pain.

Note* I experience this pain alot. Itching is the worst, I walk around my house basically slappy my foobs in order to get them to stop itching it is a itching sensation inside not on the outside of my skin. My left breast didn't experience the loss of feeling I can feel the entire breast I have full feeling in that one. The right breast is completely numb. I have sharp pains in the right breast and it hurts sometimes stops me in my tracks and I have to breath through them. I was never told about these sensations when surgery was planned for me. What does bother me the most our breasts are part of our sexual being and without having sensation makes me sad and angry at times. It is very emotional for me as my breasts were part of the love making act. Now when that time happens for me I normally keep my shirt on. Here recently though the man that is in my life has been trying to make me feel comfortable with the way I look and feel now. But he understands what I have been through and doesn't argue when I don't want to take off my shirt. Breast Cancer is an ugly thing and I am angered by it all. Us women who have lost our breasts to this disease angers me over and over again. I pray one day there will be a vaccine for this deadly disease not just for Breast Cancer but for all cancers. I hope one day that some sensation does comes back in my right foob but as of right now it is dead just a round blah of fakeness waiting to awaken...

What is Herceptin

2011-08-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to talk about Herceptin as I have been doing some research regarding my diagnosis and wanted to know if the treatment that I am currently taking is the best treatment for my cancer. I am HER2+++, grade 3 and a tumor at 1.5mm which is relatively small. I had both breasts removed and no chemotherapy was requested since I was also node negative. But what I do not understand is why would my oncologist not prescribe me to be on this drug? Herceptin is a therapy for women with breast cancer whose tumors have too much HER2 protein. The terms "early" and "advanced" are sometimes used to describe tumors, but these terms may be used differently by different doctors. Generally, "early" or "early-stage" breast cancer means that the cancer has not spread beyond the breast or lymph nodes under the arm (known as axillary lymph nodes). Stage 0, I, and II, as well as some stage III cancers, are usually considered early-stage. Adjuvant treatment refers to the treatment of "early-stage" breast cancer. I have "early stage" breast cancer, Stage 1, node negative, grade 3. The more information I read about this treatment the more curious I am as to why I am not taking this drug? I have joined a new site HER2support.org I have found so much information about the HER2+ receptors which is what I have. I have decided to talk to my oncologist about the treatment he has me on and I want to know why? I mean why just tamoxifen and why did I not have to do a round of chemotherapy? I just need him to explain to me because it isn't making sense if I am HER2+?!!

Who is Herceptin for?:

Herceptin is approved for the treatment of early-stage breast cancer that is Human Epidermal growth factor Receptor 2-positive (HER2+) and has spread into the lymph nodes, or is HER2+ and has not spread into the lymph nodes. If it has not spread into the lymph nodes, the cancer needs to be estrogen receptor/progesterone receptor (ER/PR)-negative or have one high risk feature.^† Herceptin can be used in several different ways.

I hope to get more information about my specific diagnosis and know that I am safe with the treatment I am currently on. I hope this information helps someone who is on herceptin or is thinking about taking it as a treatment... Have a great day!

When and why does Breast Cancer come back?

2011-08-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

Breast cancer comes back most likely because even though by all conventional criteria that we have -- CAT scans, bone scans, and other tests – the disease seems to be confined to the breast. (But) most likely, patients have tumor cells that are present in other parts of the body that we can't detect by these routine testing procedures. Overall, if it does come back, it usually comes back within the first five years after the initial diagnosis. It tends to occur in organs such as the liver, the lungs, the bone and other organs. Wow?! Really? Does this not scare the crap out of you? My oncologist told me that the reason for him putting me on tamoxifen is because of my positive receptors and that modern medicine may not detect a cancer cell that may have traveled through my blood stream and has settled somewhere in my body. Until it grows it is undetected when a CAT scan, Bone scans and other tests are performed. Yikes! This part is the scariest for me, as I have endured a very tragic ordeal and have survived but what happens if this terrible monster comes back to haunt me again? I know I shouldn't dwell on thinking about this all the time but it can happen... And it scares me to think I would have to go through this again. I mean I have both my breasts gone so I am hopeful it never comes back there or anywhere else for that matter. I hate this disease and all that it does. It is a powerful monster, a killer that lurks day or night and a silent one at that, you never know when it will strike. All I can do is pray that I make it to the 5 year mark without it coming back. So yes basically I am in remission and waiting - I am so thankful for life right now nothing is going to stop me though I will keep on trucking, I think I have been through the worst part of breast cancer and if I can make it through the removal of my breasts I can accomplish and fight for anything... Amen... but still in the back of my little crazy mind it exsists the fear of it all.

Having second thoughts about Tamoxifen

2011-08-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

I didn't know much about the drug Tamoxifen when I was put it on it a year ago in April 2010. But after being on this drug for over a year now I am having second thoughts about putting this drug into my body or should I? I have had the worst bone pain I have ever experienced in my life while being on this drug. I take loritab for the pain, somedays are better than others but when the pain is unbearable it makes me rethink my options. I just can't seem to think that I went through a bilateral mastectomy only to be stuck having to take this drug to prevent the breast cancer coming back... Or coming back in another area of my organs. I mean your damned if you do and damned if you don't right? I mean my Mother was put on this same drug after her right breast was removed and 6 months later the cancer invaded her bones. Really? I mean seriously? Why am I putting myself through all this pain if I am not 100% guaranteed that Cancer will not come back? It is the fear, the fear of it coming back and you want to do all the right things to prevent it from ever coming back but why does it have to be so painful. Emotionally, physically and mentally all of it takes it toll on me. I want to do the right thing so I don't get cancer again but the doctors don't explain in full detail the crap you have to go through for the next 5 years once diagnoised. As I have wrote before, I have very severe pain in my legs, feet, hands and arms - almost to the point I am unable to stand for long periods of time. I have a 14 yr old who keeps me very busy, and we are going shopping on Thursday and I am already bothered by the fact that I know that within 30 min of being on my feet that the pain will begin, and it gets worse and worse as time goes on. I am a little cranky this morning as I write this entry as I am so pissed off about the whole situation. I am 41 years old, have had both of my breasts removed because of cancer and now the side effects from the treatment I am doing. I am just angry I guess. I am sure chemotherapy would be worse right? I mean I should be thankful for the fact that I only have to take the tamoxifen but for 5 years? Seriously? If I am going to experience this pain for the next 5 years I don't know if I can handle it? So at this point I am stumped? Do I stop the treatment and possibly have the risk of developing cancer again? Or would I develop cancer regardless if I took the tamoxifen treatment or not? I am just a mess and so undecided... I hope I can work through these issue's and make the best decision for myself. All we ever want is for us to never hear the word "cancer" again. But is this really worth it? Decisions/decisions.... ???

RACE FOR THE CURE!

2011-08-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

Saturday, September 24th at Towne East Square!

Wichita, KS

Just 46 days until the Race!

Help us in our fight against breast cancer through your participation in the Komen Wichita Race for the Cure. Participation does not just come in the form of running. You can run or walk in the event, Sleep in for the Cure if you can't make it to the event, participate as part of a team, donate, be a corporate sponsor, be recognized as a survivor, and more! It is an event for people of all ages and from all places! There is something for everyone and each person makes a difference!

That's right it is that time again in 46 days we Race for the Cure! If you want to participate or just donate please visit http://www.komenmidks.org/ to register!

I did my first race last year September 2010 and it was so overwelming and also inspiring! I will Race for the Cure the rest of my life, I will always support this cause because it is a great one! If you are not in Wichita you can donate $ or also race while you sleep which is awsome too! :) All proceeds go to the Susan G Komen Foundation to help find a cure for Breast Cancer!

If I can help just 1 person or 1000 that is my goal! Come Race with me~!

Tamoxifen side effects

2011-07-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

I am writing about the side effects of Tamoxifen, I have been in so much pain over the last couple of weeks I just feel as though I can't take it no more. My legs, feet, hands have hurt on a daily basis, the only thing that relieves the pain is a 800 ibue. I am exhausted everyday when I get home from work and I know alot has to do with the heat, I am not out in it that much but when I do have to run to the store or run errands after work it takes it toll on me. Standing has become harder and harder for me even cooking or getting ready in the morning. The pain is like pain you had a child "growing pains" but multiply it by 10. My feet feel like someone has hit it with a hammer and they just ache all day long. I hope this is short term thing as I don't know about dealing with this for another 4 years. Here is a list of side effects:

Bone pain

Back pain

Headaches

Cough

High cholesterol (see Tamoxifen and High Cholesterol)

Fatigue

Muscle pain

Ovarian cysts

Skin changes

Infection

Indigestion or heartburn

Insomnia (see Tamoxifen and Insomnia)

Constipation or diarrhea

Anemia

Weight gain (see Tamoxifen and Weight Gain)

Mood changes

Hair loss (see Tamoxifen and Hair Loss).

Thank goodness I have only suffered a few of the side effects. I pray to God every night to make the pain go away. Some days are better than others. I just needed to get this off my chest today as I am a little cranky!

4th of July Weekend...

2011-07-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share some pictures of the 4th of July weekend. That is me and my new boyfriend Michael. We were grade school sweeties from kindergarden until 6th grade.... We have reunited and what a wonderful life! :) I am super happy!! We had a fantastic weekend together!

My new hair cut and color... (just had to throw that in there) lol!

Swimming

2011-07-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

This time last year I had those horrible expanders under my skin. This year I have nice soft perky breasts. For the first time since last summer I put on a swim suit and I have one of those tankini's that have a built in bra. I have not worn a bra since surgery! It feels weird. And funny thing is I can't feel my chest and one day I was swimming well sitting there and low and behold the Foobs flopped out and I had no idea? It feels really good to swim and I feel gorgeous in my suit. I am enjoying my summer this year, I felt so weird last year with just the expanders, no nipples or aerola's even though no one seen I knew it was there. Life has been good to me this year. I have met a wonderful man who was my grade school sweetie and after 30 yrs we hooked up again. He is an incredible person and I love him dearly and he is so good to me. I don't take anything for granted anymore, every hug, kiss and embrase I hold it close to me and cherish the moment. I haven't wrote on my blog in a while since I posted my pictures but all is well here. I had my CT and Bone Scan in May and all came out clean, they are trying to get my Vit D levels up they have been very low. That has been a struggle. I hope all of you ladies out there that are just getting faced with this horrible disease you can beat this, be strong, think positive it will be alright!!

Stephanie

Stages of Reconstruction

2011-05-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

My natural breasts March 2010

Side view of my natural breasts

Another side view of my natural breasts, as you can see the bruising above the right nipple that is where the cancer was found.

This picture makes me want to cry, I had beautiful natural breasts

Here I am with the hard expanders in...

4 days post-op after the implants were successfully put in!

After implants October 2010 and tatooing of the aerola's

1 year post op, they look fabulous! I love you Dr. Poggi! You have made me whole again!

I think they look dam good! :)

Side view of my reconstructed breasts

Being a Mother....

2011-05-06T13:00:00.001-07:00

Mother's Day is this coming Sunday and I have to say that being a "Mom" has been the ultimate gift in my life. I have two beautiful teen girls, Sarah the dark haired one in the picture is my Senior she graduates 5/15/11. Shanie begins High School next fall. I am proud of them both. I look back and reflect on our lives together, there is no greater joy than becoming a Mother. I will never forget the day they were born. Sarah was c-section due to her being breech, I was so scared. Shanie was VBAC (vaginal birth after C-Section) but the most scariest of them all was the day I had to tell them Mommy has breast cancer. The hurt in their eyes and the tears said it all. Sarah said, Mommy please have them removed! As soon as she said that I knew what I had to do. The love that you feel in your heart for your children is amazing I can't even describe it. But I got through the mastectomy & reconstruction because of my children. They helped me move on and get past this. I did it for them as I didn't want them to have to see me go through what my Mother went through. They saved me. I am going to enjoy this Mother's Day as I am alive and thankful to be here for my children. I love you both Sarah and Shanie.... your my life....

1 year Anniversary Cancer Free! Hooray!

2011-03-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

It has been 1 year yesterday since I had a bilateral mastectomy to save my life from Breast Cancer. I am finished with the reconstruction process of my chest and I am very thankful for my life, the doctors, my family and friends for being there for me through this incredible journey. I am alive! I starred death in the face and overcame it. I am proud of myself for being strong and to just keep trucking along through all of this. It was a very emotional roller coaster from begining to end. There have been many tears shed and many smiles that helped me overcome the fear of it all. I am walking proof that early detection can save a woman's life and I hope that this blog will help women who have been diagnosed after me with breast cancer. This disease is no punk and I will continue to help fund and find a cure for it. I have watched myself be weak and scared to having to suck up the fear and go for it and let me tell you that was the hard part but I did it. I want to thank everyone who has helped me with my every need you all were such a great support group! Without my friends, family and doctors who care so much for me I couldn't have done this. Ladies, please continue to see your doctor, do self breast exams and get your Mammogram's do not delay, save your life today!!!

My natural Breasts

2011-03-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

Me the day of Surgery March 30, 2010

This is a picture of my natural breasts as you can see I am holding them up. They were so heavy!! I don't have that weight anymore... I miss them but know I have made the right decision. I am super happy with my end results of reconstruction....If I had to make a choice today I would do it over in a heart beat.. I chose life and I am so thankful, life is so precious and I did this for my children... Being told you have breast cancer is devistating and I have been through a lot!!! But I'm here I may not be able to feel my chest but I sure can kiss and hug the ones I love.. And for that I smile :)

Christina Applegate and Sadie Grace

2011-03-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

This article is simply amazing.....

The moments after childbirth were extraordinarily profound for Christina Applegate, who dropped her defenses and pulled daughter Sadie to her chest, a part of her body that she's kept closely guarded since her double mastectomy in 2008.

"I dropped my gown, which I don't do," the Hall Pass star, 39, says in an interview airing Tuesday on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. "This part of my body [her chest] is very private to me ... that's a real private place. A place that I don't have a good relationship with, let's say. But at that moment of pulling her out, I just tore that [gown] off."

It was a sign of just how open she was to her new daughter. "There's a room full of people that I don't know. Nurses and doctors," says Applegate – this week's PEOPLE cover girl, along with Sadie. "And she and I just lay there. It was the best thing that's ever happened to me."

PHOTOS: Christina Applegate's Polished Maternity Style

The actress and her fiancé, musician Martyn LeNoble, welcomed Sadie Grace LeNoble on Jan. 27 in Los Angeles – after a pretty long labor.

"It was about 18 hours," Applegate says. "I had my plan. Plans are a big joke, you know."

She had an epidural, but didn't take to it well, and ended up feeling most of the pain. And how hard was it?

"It was profound," she says. "It was profound pain

Love and other drugs...

2011-03-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

Relationships... now that is a hard one... Love.. where do I begin? Have you ever had a broken heart? I have never experienced it before until now. I am trying to move on with Chapter 2 of my life after Breast Cancer and it has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I am not one to be alone.... I have to be touched and loved... that is me... All I have ever wanted was the fairy tale... and I know that somewhere it is there... It will happen I am just getting older not younger and that is what scares me the most. Sorta like a young lady not wanting to have kids until she is older then she gets to like age 35 and her time clock is ticking. Tick, tick, tick... I have cried until my eyes became swollen shut, I have sat in the bathtub full of bubbles and hot water and asked myself why? I have asked God to give me the strength to get over this and move on. I feel he has answered me as I feel like a different person today. I am ready to tackle this and move on. I have to. Life is too short to waste it on sadness... I want to be happy and laugh and have a great life of what is left for me. I have overcome breast cancer and have been given a second chance and I have to make the best of it! God has given this to me. I have hope that one day my Knight and Shining Armour will sweep me off my feet... :) and I so can't wait for that day to come... Until then I'm going to enjoy my freedom and meet new people and enjoy time with my children, family and friends.... I will too overcome this.... THINK PINK! :)

1 year has passed since I had breast cancer

2011-03-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

It has been 1 year March 4, 2010 when I was told I had breast cancer. I will never forget that phone call as long as I live. As I reflect on everything I have been through I am so thankful for everyone who has helped me get through this journey. I am finally finished with my recovery and starting a new life for myself. I would like to have a boobie party in my honor of survival at the end of this month sometime. I honestly think it would be a hoot and a lot of fun! I currently reading "Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Survivor's Soul" it is an inspiration there are so many stories to support and heal you. If you are newly diagnoised with breast cancer please go purchase this book it will help you tremendously! I have had alot of illness the past couple of months. As the tamoxifen I am taking has totally wiped out my immune system. I have had strep throat, sinus infections and ear infections. I spent 2 weekends ago in the hospital due to kidney stones. Ouch those hurt so bad. I told my sister hell getting my breasts removed was nothing compared to the pain of passing a kidney stone. If you can honestly believe that... I have had blood work done and was told by my oncologist I have no Vitamin D in my body so I am on a 1 pill a week 50,000 milligrams to try and bring my levels up to 32 my level is a 2. This is causing me to feel sick all the time. I am still trying to get over a sinus infection and ear infection that came about last week. I haven't been able to do much as I have been sick since January. As soon as I can I will post my real breasts to compare with my fake ones! LOL! I honestly think my fake ones look way prettier than my old ones even though I miss my old ones so much.... I am also so thankful for creating this blog as I have had many peeps that have hit my blog and tell me how much they have enjoyed reading the material on my blog it has helped so many that have just been diagnoised with breast cancer or who are going through it. Thank you to my neice for inspiring me to write... I love you Ash!

I am finished and Complete!

2011-02-14T10:12:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture showing my completed reconstructed breasts. I can not believe it will be a year March 29th when I had them removed and look at my chest now. I am so thankful for my life and being saved from breast cancer. I am also so thankful to my Mother for going through breast cancer to give me the education that I needed to save my life... I love you Mommy and you saved mine... On February 10th we did a touch up of the aerola's they are tattooed on. I have a 800 cc implant - All my scars are still there but they are hidden as you can see in the photo. I want to post in my next picture on my blog my real breasts (which I took the night before they were removed) my expanders, my exchange, my nipple reconstruction and then finalization. I want to thank you Dr. Poggi for all that you have done, you have made this horrible experience a great one and you are an amazing, loving, caring, strong, smart and skillful person. God truly has blessed us breast cancer survivors with your expertise. I will always hold a special place in my heart for you. Thank you so much for making me whole again. As I sit here I cry they are tears of joy and happiness. I can not believe that I have gone through so much to have my chest turn out so beautiful... It is amazing but it can be done ladies. You have to remain strong, have faith in your doctors and if your not question them over and over again if you have too until you understand. This is your body your life... And I was given a second chance.. I am so blessed... I will continue to post on my blog as I will always be a cancer patient and will continue to post about my journey here. It is a beautiful day and I am alive...

Moving...

2011-02-03T12:12:00.000-08:00

I am in the process of moving. I have been in a long term relationship for 7 years and we are going our seperate ways. When I got breast cancer and after I went through all that I had to go through life changed for me. There is so much more I want out of life now and everything seems more precious than ever before. I am sad by this break up but I know we will continue to be great friends. I have known him since I was 15 yrs old and he has been an awsome person in my life. I am excited to be in my new apartment with my two girls ages 18 and 14 years old. I have my touch up tattooing on the 10th of February and then I am complete with my reconstruction. Everything has changed so much in my life and I am ready for chapter 2 to begin. I am so thankful for everything... Rusty and I moved some boxes lastnight he was cracking me up. I told him look at the new kitchen and new carpet. He said, Stephanie the reason you got the newer apartment and the update is because someone must had been killed in here... I said Rusty!!! Don't say that! Now all I am going to think about is that... we just laughed it off and went on moving boxes. I am doing the big move over the weekend on Saturday. Sunday I have to work aggghhh! Super Bowl I volunteered! Agghh What was I thinking. Anywho, I have a lot on my plate right now and probably won't update for a while... I will take new pictures once my tattoo's are in place that will complete my journey for reconstruction...

Reflections

2011-01-26T10:09:00.000-08:00

As I sit here today I am reflecting on everything that happened in my life in 2010. The day I was told I had breast cancer is still so clear in my mind as it was the first time I heard it. Its amazing how this journey of breast cancer begins. First it started with a simple Mammogram which showed calcifications on the images on March 3, 2010 that afternoon I had to go back for a Biopsy. The next day was the worst "the waiting game" I waited until 3:30 p.m the next day for the results of my biopsy. I finally couldn't wait no longer so I called my physician, the words he told me was devistating. I can hear his voice saying it as I type this entry. "Stephanie, it is breast cancer, DCIS "ductal carsinoma in situ"

My entire life changed that day... I left work scared, anxious, freaked out and confused, I had no idea where to go next? But through the work of so many people I was guided in the right direction to take care of my breast cancer. First up meeing with a breast surgeon, then plastic surgeon then cancer doctor. My first consultation was with my GP the following day, we spoke about me having a lumpectomy with radiation. He set me up with a general surgeon for that the following week. But when I left his office I just couldn't see myself going through a lumpectomy and radiation. Mastectomy was on my mind completely, as I had watched my Mother die of breast cancer and I did not want to endure this. So the following week I called and cancelled my appointment with the general surgeon and wanted to meet up with a breast surgeon, a long time friend of the family gave me Dr. Cusick's name and I set up the appointment myself. After meeting with her the following week and making the decision to have my breast removed and have reconstruction I felt somewhat better. I mean having your breasts removed "cut off" gone is devistating enough- the weeks leading up to the surgery were the hardest! I was so emotional I cried almost every single day and night. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life. I have been through a lot for almost an entire year of my life. I have been poked on, drawn on and cut on but I made it! I am alive and I am so thankful and as I sit here reflecting on everything I have done in 2010 it was worth it all to be able to be here today sitting here writing this entry for other women who are experiencing the same types of things I experienced I hope to help someone who is just being diagnoised with cancer and they reach out to the internet such as I did for some sort of being ok within yourself with the decisions you will make. I believe I made the right decisions for me and my family and I am proud to be a survivor... I swear early detection saves lives and I am walking proof of this! Think Pink!

My new nipples (photos)

2011-01-25T08:04:00.001-08:00

Here are 3 different photo's after surgery. Top one being the day of surgery and same with the 2nd. As you can see I am pretty bruised but it doesn't hurt at all. I am going to have to go in for a touch up with the tattooing of the aerola's because Dr. Poggi had to utilize some of that skin that was already tattooed for the nipple. It has been almost a month since surgery so I do look different and I hope to get those pictures up soon. They look worse than they actually feel... isn't it just amazing though?? Wow! I think my new breasts look better than the old.... And soon those pictures will be coming before and after... And yes for thoseo f you just visiting those are implants they are not my real breasts... Can you believe it?? Amazing!!!

Hugs to you all...

Think PINK!!

2011 looking forward to my future

2011-01-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

It now is 18 days into the New Year. It has been a little hectic but I have managed to get through it again. I am still healing from my last surgery which was on December 28th to reconstruct my nipples. They have come along quite nicely. I am impressed at how well they are going to look. I am still trying to get used to the implants. My left side seems a little more softer than the right. I am not sure as to why? I am super thankful for my new breasts even though they are not my real ones. I will try and upload a picture of the new nipples here shortly. I have many goals that I have set for myself this year and I want to fullfill them all. I want 2011 to be such a better year for me health wise. I pray it goes well. Until later peeps Have a great week and I hope to post a picture soon.
Love ya!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2010-12-23T05:40:00.000-08:00

Wow! 2010 is almost over! What a year this has been for me. I have starred at death in the face and overcome it! I am so thankful for everything in my life. I have an awsome support system. My friends and family have stood beside me through my entire journey with breast cancer. I have one more surgery and then a touch up on the aerola's and then I am complete. I look back at everything I have had to face. It is amazing what is put before us and we just never know how strong we actually are until we are pushed off the edge to have to do it regardless. I am ready for begin chapter 2 of my life. Breast Cancer has changed me so much and I want so much more out of life than I had before. I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I want 2011 to be the best year of my entire life... No more surgeries! Finger's Crossed! Until next year after my nipple reconstruction I will see you in 2011!!

Overwhelming Emotions

2010-11-30T11:24:00.001-08:00

So I had a bad night... I lost it and I am not sure why I couldn't stop crying. I mean wow I have been through so much leading up to where I am today. I have overcome breast cancer and I am a survivor but why am I feeling so sad? I am not the same person as I used to be a year ago. I am so different than normal people. It is hard for me to explain this but people who do not have cancer or who have not been faced with cancer honestly don't know what I have gone through or what I continue to go through daily. I am taking so much medication and alot of it has given me terrible side effects. Aside from the hot flashes from the tamoxifen to yeast infections to bacterial infections you name it i've had it! This whole thing hit me right when I turned "40" so on top of the breast cancer and all the reconstruction, I am having a mid life crisis! Yes! Here is what I a m experiencing.... Why didn't I go to College? I mean I love my job but hey I want more money don't we all? I wasted 20 years of my life with a man I thought I loved and had two beautiful girls with him. Best thing that came out of that relationship was my girls Sarah and Shanie. 20 years that is a long time to be with someone knowing that he isn't your soul mate. Some of those years of course wasn't wasted but in a sense they are, my children's father hates me and we had a very bitter divorce and it makes me sad. We can't even be friends and that is the hard part that I am having to deal with. We had a lot of good times together and all I wanted was for us to be friends but I guess that will never happen. I can only move on and stop trying to dwell on past events and just say that I tried... God knows I tried. I am also thinking about retirement... I am so scared to wrap my money up into some kind of 401K plan as I have seen so many people get F$%#@#! when they want their money. Enron for instance, my boyfriend's parents lost everything all the money they had invested... gone! Savings is a big issue, I want more money in the bank I know I can't take it with me but at least I would have a cushion... Is this something normal that women and men go through in their "40's"? I mean I turned 40 and 10 days later I was diagnoised with breast cancer. What a wonderful 40th right? I also long for the fairy tale of love.... as little girls we grow up being told of the fairy tale where the knight and shining armour comes and rescue's us and wisks us off our feet and we fall in love... deep passionate love... I love to read love stories and also watch movies. The Notebook moves me in a way that I can feel the passion the love while watching this movie it is over the top! I want that over the top feeling too! I pray it happens someday... I sometimes wish life was the way it was like 20 years ago. I had my Mom and Dad and life was good... I smiled I had no heartache and life seemed so awsome, then diseases like breast cancer took my Mother from me when I was 25 yrs old when I so needed my Mother the most. It angers me and that is why I took the drastic measures to remove my breasts so my daughters would not have to experience the hurt and the heartbreak I feel inside. There is so much on my mind and not enough words to express how I feel it is so emotional as I look at myself in the mirror and I see areol's for the first time in 9 months I cry.... I have missed them for so long and now I have them in a way sort of back? No matter what I will never feel whole again. I do not feel it and I do not see it in my future. I am not sure why I feel this way but I just don't.... I stare at other women and notice their breasts bouncing along as they walk and mine don't. They look so nature and mine aren't. It pisses me off what breast cancer has taken from me. I maybe look like I am a strong women but on the inside sometimes I feel as though I am falling apart at the seams. So many of my friends and family have been so supportive of me but I can't change how I feel. All I can hope for is a better happiness a happy medium I guess. For now that is all I have... I pray for happier days, when I wake up I wish nothing more than a good day for me. Today has been a better day...

Tattoo Areola's

2010-11-29T06:22:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of my tattooed areola's. I am very pleased with the way they turned out. On December 28th I get my nipples reconstructed. Then following that I will go back for more tattoo's to finish them off. As I sit and look at them it makes me smile but also makes me sad at the same time. I feel a bit more like a woman again but then again I don't. It of course isn't the same as my real breasts but my PS has done an excellent job on me and I am so very proud of them but I am going through a depression of some kind not sure why? I have been so positive up until this point? I am not sure what is going on with me? Maybe it is the emotional part of it that I am almost done and I look back at what all I have been through. Or maybe it is how I feel across my chest and under my arms that upsets me so much? I just don't know? But I wanted to post and let you all see just how nicely my breasts look. Dr. Poggi is an awsome PS! He definately knows his work and wants it to be perfect and perfect is what I am. I will always remember what he has done for me.... I am so thankful! There are no words to describe just how thankful I am for him. He is kind, gentle and loving. He works for his patients and he always seems to put a smile on my face to brighten my day :) and if you reading this Dr. Poggi that is how I feel your an awsome man! I thank you thank you for the awsome work you have done to put me back together following breast cancer. I am thankful for so much this year number one fighting breast cancer and winning! I am proud to be a survivor and I will wear my pink proud! I can't wait to see my breasts finished after the nipple is reconstructed I am excited about that. March is coming up fast and that will mark 1 year into my breast cancer journey. I have had a long 2010 and I hope that 2011 brings me good health, happiness and lots of love....

4 weeks post op

2010-11-22T08:09:00.001-08:00

These pictures are 4 days post op as you can see I am a bit bruised from surgery

and mainly from the lipo suction.

Hi all! I havent posted in a long time so I figured I should update you on my progress. I am healing quite nicely and I absolutely love how my boobs have turned out. They look great. I have an awsome Plastic Surgeon he is talented that is for sure his work is amazing. I am so thankful to have him, he always seems to lift my spirits when I have an appointment with him for a check up. I get my aerolas tattooed tomorrow around 3 p.m. then I am scheduled for inpatient/outpatient surgery for my nipples on December 28th. I have been through so much and I am so glad I decided to go to Dallas for that trip it was much needed. I had a wonderful time with my sister and family. I have some pictures to show but blogger has changed how we upload pictures I can't seem to figure out how to upload them. I will figure it out soon and have them posted. I want everyone to see just how nice they have turned out. I have returned to work, today is my first day back and everyone cracks me up - they look straight at the boobs when they say hello it is hilarious! Everyone does it. I love it!! I will try and post sooner than last time maybe post some pictures tomorrow if I can figure it out. Talk to you all soon and thank you all for all your wonderful comments.

Two weeks post op

2010-11-08T12:17:00.000-08:00

Well I am no two weeks post op from my exchange surgery. Everything has gone well. I am just tired of wearing this sports bra. I get to finally take it off tomorrow woo hoo!!! I haven't been doing much lately except hanging around the house and healing. My breasts are nice and firm still bruised some but not as bad as they were in the beginning. I have pictures to share but my home computer is so slow that I have to find another computer to upload them too. I am feeling pretty good. I get my aerola's tattooed on November 23rd and I am so happy about that. I am almost complete with this whole process.... I am so thankful for everything. I have been through such an emotional roller coaster this entire year that my sister has paid for me to fly to Dallas this coming Thursday, just me no one else, no kids! hoot hoot! I am super excited that we are going to catch up on things and just enjoy our time together. I am also looking forward to seeing my neices and nephews. All and all I am doing quite well and I am pretty happy with my new breasts they are softer than the expanders but not quite as soft as a natural breast. Oh well you take what the PS can give you right!!! More later when I get a chance I will post post op pictures.

3 days post op

2010-10-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 days since my exchange surgery. This surgery was completely different then the actual mastectomy. I am in more pain then I ever experienced the first time around. I had to have some lipo suction under both arms and they are extremly painful. I am super bruised all over my chest in one spot is black. I have some pictures to post but I have to get them off my phone first. Overall not in the best of spirits as I hurt too much as soon as the medication wears off I have to take another. I am so ready for this all to be over. I can't say that I am happy with the end results as I am swollen I honestly can't tell yet. My chest is nice and soft again which is awsome. Sometimes while I lay there in bed I wish this wouldn't have ever happened to me but it has and I have to deal with it period. Both of my sides itch terribly where he did the lipo I guess that means it is healing which is a good thing. My morning of surgery started off great, I got up at 3:30 a.m. took a shower in the surgical soap, we left the house around 4:30 a.m. and got to the Kansas Surgery and Recovery Center around 5:00 a.m. I was the first to check in that morning then a few minutes later there were many others coming in for their surgeries. I went back and had a wonderul nurse named David, he asked me lots of questions then we got to the IV. I told him I was so scared of the IV he said I am going to teach you something that way you won't get so worked up about being stuck. He told me to wiggle my toes and while I did that breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. As I did this I honestly wasn't worried about him sticking me in the hand with the needle it went so smooth. I learned something and that made me happy I am going to use this tool every time I get a needle stick. Next thing I can remember is they came to sweep me from my little holding cell and take me to surgery, I got to the surgery room it was freezing. Nurse told me to scoot onto the gurney and I did as she asked. A few minutes later another nurse said, your going to feel some pain in your left hand in your IV just breath through it I was like ok. This is the last thing I remember before I was out cold. The pain in my hand hurt so bad I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I was out like a light. I woke up in recovery with my sister sitting next to me. Instantly I needed to vomit. I knew that part was coming. They had injected me with all kinds of medicine to make sure I wouldn't throw up and even put a patch behind my ear and still I vomited. After a few hours of trying to wake up which I never could they finally released me to come home. I came home and slept all night until around 2:00 a.m. I finally woke up and was wide awake. And I was starving so I ate me some cereal. Overall I am doing ok except it is just very painful. I am going to post some pictures as soon as I can get them uploaded from my phone. I am on the road to recovery and I am so blessed I have such a wonderful support system from family and friends. I will keep you posted in the next few days regarding my exchange part of my journey....

6 days until surgery!

2010-10-20T11:22:00.001-07:00

Peeps! Only 6 more days until exchange surgery I am so nervous but I know it is almost over. I can't believe it is so close after all these months it is finally here! I have to be there at 5 am surgery is at 7 am -

Breast Cancer Awareness

2010-10-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

This post goes out to all the women who are fighting or who have fought breast cancer we are very strong women and we are fighters! This is national Breast Cancer Awareness month. I have spread the word about my story. With all the support from everyone to help fight this battle to cure breast cancer we appreciate all of you! Please continue to spread the word this month! And best part of all I get my new foobs during this important month!

A Crucial Catch! NFL Football

2010-10-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

The balls are part of the NFL's month-long breast cancer awareness campaign called "A Crucial Catch," which is focused on the importance of annual screenings for women. They have been in use for two weeks. I think this is just awsome and it was so awsome to see all the players wearing their pink on game day! It is a great feeling to know that the players are aware of breast cancer and are focused on the importance of annual screenings for women.

2 weeks until exchange to implants photos

2010-10-07T17:16:00.000-07:00

Here I am 2 weeks from surgery I wanted to post some pictures of what my foobs look like right now.

The top photo is me taking the picture from the top of my head downward as you can see they have a nice round shape to them and I am very pleased.

The second photo as you can see my scars going from the nipple (where there used to be a nipple) down below the breast have healed quite well. If you also notice to the left of the picture right under the arm I have still some red scaring there. It should have healed a little better the doctor says but is still ok. I look huge but I really am not that big it just looks that way in the photo's. I had a pretty bad day today one of those got upset and the emotions took over. I am not sure why it just hits me out of no where. I blame cancer for so many changes that have taken place in my life and I hate it. I wish I could punch the S@#$! out of it and it die! I hate hate hate you cancer and I may carry the scars but you won't kill me I can promise you that! I just sat there quiet in solitude and the tears rolled softly off my cheeks, as I sat at my cubicle I listened to my co-workers working around me and how I felt at that very moment just broke my heart. Life does change and people just don't understand you and what your going through. Yes I play this tough girl who has taken on breast cancer and beat it, but honestly I am tore up inside all the time. It is always there every single day I open my eyes. I wish this would have never happened to me. I mean you can look at these pictures and think to yourself wow she looks really good, yes I do look really good but I had to go through a bunch of bullshit to get there! I am not beating around the bush here I say what I feel. I was cut on, scooped out like an alvacado and then was placed with 2 foreign objects in my chest to reconstruct what Breast Cancer took away from me~ if I could go back in time my wish would be to keep my real breasts but when it comes to Breast Cancer you choose either life or death and I chose life... I have to live with this and I have to come to terms with my illness at some point during this journey. I am not sure I will ever do that. It takes a certain kind of person to go through what we Breast Cancer survivors have gone through. It's tough I won't lie... I am excited for this second step in the reconstruction as I do miss my soft natural feeling breasts. I long for that again... I miss them oh so much....

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2010-10-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

I have stressed to so many woman how important getting a mammogram is and just how quickly breast cancer can grow and spread. This month is so important to me to be able to spread the word. Breast Cancer is a killer but together we can make a difference with each new diagnosis. Never did I think I would have Breast Cancer and going through what I have been going through for the last 6 months but here I am. I am a Survivor of this terrible disease because I was educated and aware that I was high risk for this disease. I have so many loved ones who have been my support group. Without them I am not sure how I could have got through this. I think back to the day that I was told I had breast cancer, I was so terrified. I had no idea what was ahead of me. And I still don't know what lies ahead but I know that I am going to fight like I have never fought harder before in my life. It will not get me. I hope to help many women to be educated and be aware of what can happen in a split second it will change your life.. It has been an emotional roller coaster these past few months but I know that it is almost over. New Foobs Oct 26th hooray! :) I am excited but this disease will always be a part of my life whether I am in remission from it or it comes back. I am always a cancer patient always will be. That won't change. I can only show and tell other women my story and show them my scars from breast cancer and get them to realize this is real, your not invisable it can happen to you...

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure...

2010-09-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

I attended my first "Susan G. Komen, Race for the Cure" this morning. Was I ever moved by this event. There were thousands and thousands of people. From infant to very old. I walked with my plastic surgeon's office "Poggi Pride" and that says it all. I will post some pictures of this beautiful event! I can't believe I didn't do this race sooner than now. There are so many affected with Breast Cancer and this event raised so much money for Breast Cancer and I am proud to be a part of it. Walking in the Survivor walk was so moving and it touched me very deep within. I am a Survivor I have been through a lot~ but there are other women who have been through much worse than I. I met so many amazing women this morning I am so touched by the outpouring love and support from everyone! It is just AMAZING!

Tattooed Nipples?

2010-09-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

The time has come that I should start thinking about my new nipples I am going to be getting after the implants. Yes, that is what I plan on doing after my implants. I could have them skin graphed but the more I thought about it the more I thought why not just go with tattooed nipples? I mean I am 40 going to be 41 in February I would probably get skin graphed nipples but what for? I mean if I was 20 or something but hey I am getting older and I don't need my nip's polking out 24/7 although I would get a lot of lookers! Anywho~ back to the nipples. I have a total of 4 tattoo's so this is like nothing for me however, I have some strange feelings in my chest and I wonder just what I am going to feel? Tattoo's can hurt I will not lie but only for a short time that your getting the tattoo. I get to decided what color of tattoo nipple I want? Dam I get to pick and choose? Hooray! I also was told that they have stickers at the plastic surgeons office where I can place them on my chest and see which color and size I like before getting tattooed up. How about that. I sure didn't get to do that when I started growing boobies. I just think I need to get started in thinking about what I truly want? Dark brown nips or light pink nips? Or something in between.. oh decisions, decisions but whatever I choose I want them to be perfect period. I mean these are going to be my foobs for the rest of my life so they gotta be perfect! I am unsure as to how long I have to wait to get the nipples put on but I am starting to get a little excited about that part of the journey. I have been looking at a lot of pictures of reconstruction and the tattooed nipples and wow they are all different. The only part to this that makes me somewhat sad is that once they are on I totally won't be able to feel them like before, I mean they will be there and that is exactly it, just "there" nothing more nothing less. Just there to make my foobs look normal although I will have no sensation with them at all. Big bummer! Maybe someday they will figure out a way for nipple sensation. I am a little crazy in explaining how I feel but I totally want to show off my foobs when they are complete... some people may think that is wrong but I don't I think people should see what I have experienced and know that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. Until my next post I am going to search for the perfect nipple and I hope the next post I will have found it, wish me luck!

Surgery for exchange October 26, 2010

2010-09-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

I saw my PS (plastic surgeon) on the 10th I am behind in posting but we have a surgery date, October 26, 2010 I check in at 5:10 a.m. and will go into operating room at 7:00 a.m. I am almost finished with this phase in my journey. I can't believe it is so close now and as I look back and read all my posts up to now I can't believe I have made it through all of it. Breast Cancer is a word that hits my mind everyday, I wake up thinking about cancer, everytime I see a pink ribbon I think about cancer and what I have been through and what some have gone through and some that are still going through. It is come time for Susan G Komen Race for the Cure which is Saturday, September 25th at 7:00 a.m. I will be there! I want a cure for Breast Cancer once and for all and it takes not just me but everyone! I have joined my plastic surgeon's team so far have raised $2000! Hooray! I am super excited! This is my first race and I am excited to meet so many survivors! I notice myself constantly seeing breast cancer ribbons on everything, I notice now I have more pink clothing than I ever did before. This has changed my life in so many ways. When I go to hug my daughter I feel it more, when I say "I love you" I feel it in my heart, when someone asks me a question I say the truth and don't beat around the bush like I used too. I'm not scared to say what I feel like I used too, I was always so afraid of what other people would think of me, now I just don't care. You can take it or leave because it doesn't matter! And I find it alot easier to just say "NO"!! After you have been through this and dealt with all the difficult and trying times of breast cancer you would change and change is for the better sometimes in my case for sure. I no longer care about stupid things that aren't positive for me. I don't focus my energy on the negative things in my life, sometimes it is so hard but I have to remain positive. Positive thoughts.... Positive thoughts Stephanie..... I repeat this over and over. Ok... onto my FOOBS, Dr. Poggi filled some more saline in each side during my visit on 9/10/10 he is giving me the largest implant they manufacturer so he wanted to make sure he had enough skin to work with. I am very uncomfortable hard to sleep at night for sure I said the other night that I am just down right sick of them!!! I can't even remember how soft my real breasts were? I can't remember it has been 6 months and you would think I would remember but the feeling is so different now and I had to make myself get used to the numbness of it all, and these hard coconut shells sitting on my chest. Everyone is so excited for me about getting new FOOBS, it is pretty exciting but also it reminds me of what lurked in the darkness of my breasts that almost killed me too and I remind myself everyday I did this to save my life. I will have the scars for the rest of my life that will always remind me of what choice I had to make in order to live. When you are giving a diagnosis like Breast Cancer so many things run through your mind and it feels like a scrabble board game... You want to find out as much information about what you have been diagnosed with so you can further search your options. I mean I almost jumped right into a lumpectomy and then radiation and I thought to myself "What am I doing?" there is no other choice but to remove my Breasts because this disease will come back and be more aggresive. I don't want that, no one wants that. So the choice I made is because I didn't want to do a lumpectomy/radiation I wanted to fix the problem immediately. So here I am 6 months later, after being poked in the arm with needles for months on end (God I HATE THAT!!!) I am the biggest baby when you come at me with a needle YIKES!!! Bone Scans, CT Scans and that wonderful Barium you have to drink before your scans, YELK! all the fills in my chest I have had that requied using NEEDLES! All the medication I have been taking that has made me either constipated, sick to my stomach or gives me hot flashes. I can go on and on... but here I am almost 1 month and 2 weeks from surgery and I am ready, I am a little nervous but I am ready... If I can get through all that other stuff the exchange will be nothing! Except for the IV they have to stick in my arm the day of surgery *sniff sniff* I will awake with soft gorgeous boobies with no nipples, ha ha ha! (little joke there) I am there just a few more weeks and this part of my journey will be almost over :)

Anxious to see Plastic Surgeon

2010-09-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am about 3 days from seeing my plastic surgeon. I am hoping we get a surgery date scheduled while I am there. I am so ready for these expanders to come out. The last 2-3 weeks have been horrible I can't seem to get comfortable no matter how I sleep I am tossing and turning all night long. On top of having hot flashes from the tamoxifen. I hate those too. It honestly feels as if you are burning from the inside out. I woke up lastnight around 3:00 a.m. and ended up stripping off my clothes just to get cooled off. I am anxious for the exchange but I am a little nervous I am not sure if I am as nervous as I was for the initial surgery in the beginning of this Breast Cancer mess but I feel different this time around it is a weird feeling. I am scared yes but also it is like I am much stronger this time around? Does that make sense at all? Is it because of what I have had to go through? I mean I am so not looking forward to the IV and all that. That part I do not like and when I wake up from the anesthesia and the pain afterwards I am surely not looking forward to it but I am just not as worried or scared this time? Maybe when it gets closer to time then that is when I will loose it. I have went back on my blog and read a lot of my entries and the feelings I felt in the beginning are just so different. I sit here and think wow I have been through so much, the biopsy, the initial shock of being told I had breast cancer, the meetings with the breast surgeon, then plastic surgeon, surgery scheduled then pre-op then surgery.... Then to wake up without breasts. Amazing.... You don't know your own strength until you are tested and I truly believe that. I honestly thought there was no way that I was going to be able to make it through that but here I am I did it! I am alive! So many nights that I laid in bed and cried and thought there was no hope and I was so affraid of the unknown. I am anxious for this next step in the healing process from having Breast Cancer, I can't wait to see you Dr. Poggi and I hope you are reading this entry because I haven't been more excited to see the doctor in a long time. Your a special one! You are the one who is going to give me what Cancer took away from me and I am so thankful for you.... So for now anxiously awaiting the date for the exchange... I will update my blog as soon as I know. I also wanted to thank all of my blogging friends out there who have followed my journey and have commented on many of my posts; sometimes when I am feeling down you all have given me that little thread of hope that there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel and I thank you all for being here with me and going through this journey with me. You have given me encouragement, hope, faith and most of all the strength to keep moving forward. May God bless all of us women who are battling cancer and the decisions that we have had to make to save our lives.... We are special for sure!

Feelings Hurt and I feel so down

2010-09-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

Where I do begin? Well... I have been doing great the now that the itching is over finally. They did rule out it being staph which I am so thankful for. They say it was a possibly allergic reaction to some medication but they are still unsure. I am still on my steroids for another couple of days I am being weaned off them now. I didn't have a very good start to the beginning of this week, I have had a constant battle with my boyfriend's daughter for a while now and things seem to have escalated on Monday. It caused an abundance of problems for me and Rusty and we are still working on them today. It has only been 2 days and I am still hurt. Sometimes it is hard for me to get past certain things that have been said. I don't know what I have done to deserve this treatment from her but it is over from this point on. I do not have to take this abuse from her any longer and I will not let her ruin our happiness. I love Rusty with all my heart and she will not ruin this relationship for me. I am in the middle of a health issue for myself and this situation needs to be put on the back burner while I get through my reconstruction. I visit with my plastic surgeon 9/10/10 I believe on that day I will definately have a surgery date set. I am a bit nervous and lately the last week or so my chest has felt so dam tight? What is that about? Could it be stress? I am not sure what has caused it but it woke me up in the middle of the night I was crying. Rusty jumped up and said, baby what is wrong? I was like my gosh my chest hurts it is so tight! I have cried for two days straight so I am leaning more towards it being stress. I have to start calming myself and get my head back on straight. I am an emotional wreck these days. On top of life in general I still have this constant reminder I have had Breast Cancer and a constant worry about it coming back and stress is no good for me right now or anytime. I am excited that surgery is coming soon and I am ready to get that done and over with so I can get my nipples tattooed on! I am so excited for that too :) I wish I had more pleasant news but I had to just jot down how I was feeling and what has been going on with me. Sometimes it feels better to get things off my Hooters rather than let it sit on top....

Does life ever return back to normal?

2010-08-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

Do any of you who have been through this just have one of those days when everything that is bothering you hits you like a ton of bricks and the flood of tears just don't stop no matter what you do? Well, I am having one of those days. I guess this is my time to sit on Stephanie's pity pot and let loose. I am tired already of all the medication I am taking, I take 8 pills a day. I look rough around the edges of my eyes, black circles like and I look tired. Im groggy from some of the medication and that just won't go away. Everyone in my life tries to make me smile or laugh and I just don't feel it. Maybe it is because I have been dealing with this staph infection for 5 months now who knows? Im tired of itching ~ my body hurts my skin hurts Im just tired... I am so worried that I won't get this taken care of before the exchange and that has me so scared. Everything is on my mind, work, kids, car, bills etc. I just feel like time doesn't stop for just 1 min to let me regroup! So this morning arriving back at work knowing everyone knows I have Staph upsets me. I feel like Im dirty or something even though that isn't what it is. I just feel that way. I felt like everyone was focusing on me and my "skerbs" LOL that I finally just broke down a cried. I cried because I have this horrible Staph Infection, I cried because I had Breast Cancer, I cried because Im so sick of dealing with all the bullshit! Does it ever stop? I just want life to return to normal? Is there ever going to be a normal for me? I seriously doubt it. Now I have new worries with the exchange, I have read several blogs where women have got their exchange and something went wrong? I mean I hope I slide right through it but the thoughts are still there. I see my Plastic Surgeon in about 2 weeks. I hope the hell this infection is gone! I am miserable. I just want to crawl up on my bed and sleep that is all I want to do right now. I am so not myself at all and I have to reach far inside of me to pull me back out again and it is going to take some time. For a long time I have not worried about my breast cancer, but all in all it's there still I am still a cancer patient no matter how you look at it. This is my life now and I have to accept it somehow?! I am not sure how to accept it. I feel bad for my partner as if he should have someone who is healthy and not just pulling me along for the ride ya know, I know he loves me but is it fair? See all of these things bother me but I had to let them out today just jot them down on this blog just to make me feel better inside to let all of it out. I just want to scream, kick or hit something sometimes because I get so angry and upset. I sometimes wonder, what is my path here on earth? Why do I have to endure so much pain and suffering to live a wonderful life? Am I being punished in someway? I surely hope not! I am a good person. I am not a chuch person but I do feel that I am a good person. I am good to people I don't like to hurt people in anyway. I guess the man upstairs knows our destiny (if in fact there is a God) I hope to think so... I wish nothing but life to get better for me. I want to be happy again and laugh and have a good time and not have to worry so much all the time. I know it will come soon I have to be patient. Just like the song goes... Just a little patience by GNR!

Staph Infection

2010-08-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

Let's see where do I begin with this post? Well I haven't posted in a few weeks because I have been trying to get to the bottom of my terrible rash that has consumed my whole body. I have felt this way since about 3-4 weeks after I had my mastectomy. I finally went to a dermatologist on Thursday and found out the rash that has taken over my body is STAPH! I was in shock? Staph? I have been itching since the 4th week out of surgery and finally they tell me it is Staph. I am not happy ~ I have been miserable all summer long. It has been the worst summer I have ever had. After 4 visits to the doctor they finally decided to send me to a dermatologist. Dr. Passman took one look at my skin and told me what it was. I want to tell you just how terrible this itching is. It feels like something is biting you all over your body and all you can do is scratch. I am not contagious now that I am on antibiotics and it is starting to dry up. I contacted Staph in the operating room or hospital during my surgery and it layed dorment until a few weeks after surgery and decided to take over my body. I have pretty much lived on benedryl for 5 months. I have purchased bottles & bottles of cortizone creams, nothing would fix this. I am so glad that my Doctor decided to finally send me to a dermatologist, now I know exactly what I have. I do not want to get this again it is the worst pain that I have ever dealt with and I am ready for it to be gone. I gave it to Rusty and I feel so bad he has been itching for a long time too we thought it was just a heat rash and was treating it like that. Little did we know. But we sleep together so of course he was going to get it so he is on a round of antibiotics as well. This is so horrible how I contacted this, the dermatologist said that Staph is everywhere in the hospital. It is on the walls, floors, sinks, beds, windows, chairs, pillows and if you think about it that is just not right, how can this infection spread so easily like that? A hospital should be a place where you know your going to get better, now I know why my plastic surgeon decided to let me leave the following day, he didn't want me to get an infection. Poor guy little does he know, I have Staph. EH! I am so upset. Now my concern first of all is to get rid of this, next is to get ready for my exchange which is coming up very quickly only about a month and a few weeks away. I have to get rid of this completely before going back to that hospital. I can only hope that I do not contract this again. Other than this rash life is going on ok. I am working and have been working a lot of overtime lately and I am back to selling AVON which is so much fun! I love selling it! All the kids are in school now and I am still preparing my oldest daughter for Graduation. She is a Senior this year and I can hardly believe it. Where did the years go? Anywho I hope to post sooner next time. I hope everyone is doing fine and enjoying life as if everyday were your last... Ladies make sure you are getting your Mammograms in... Race for the Cure is coming up on us fast September 25th for us here in Wichita, put on your walking shoes and support BREAST CANCER!

Bra's?

2010-08-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

Well hello... I haven't wrote in a few weeks, really? Come on Stephanie get with the program. I am super sorry been so busy at work I haven't had a day off in weeks but I am going to love the pay check. My subject with this post is bra's. The other day I was coming home from work I got so worked up about this breast cancer that I bawled all the way home. I kept asking myself why me? I have been cut open and my breast tissue has been removed, I have a scar from the middle of my chest all the way to my back going under both arms. I am angry, sad, poor pitty me too sometimes. It just makes me angry that I will no longer wear those pretty lacey bra's. Some women can wear them after a double mastectomy. I haven't been able to wear a bra since I had my drains out. Will I miss them? Yeah, that is what made me feel sexy. I guess now I will have to figure another way to feel sexy. But honestly do I feel sexy anymore? Not right now I don't, I have these horrible expanders in and I am so ready to get them out. I have had enough of them. I can't lay on my side because they are not like your real boobs how your real boobs come together in the middle no these don't move with your body. The feel like they are suctioned cupped to my chest and it sucks!!! I haven't felt sexy for a long time. My sexual experiences are quick and it lacks what I am missing. I am missing something and it is me I don't have that sexy feeling anymore. I feel like I have aged so much from this surgery. My kids are always pointing this and that out about me and I hate it. So back to the bra question? I just wonder how many women who have had a mastectomy wear bras after reconstructed? Reconstructed sounds like something out of a Frankenstein movie. Like they are putting the peices together. I wish just wish one day hopefully I will be able to wear a bra again. Then again maybe I can just enjoy the freedom, who knows but right now I am just a little down on myself because of my circumstances. I am mad about this whole thing. And that is a part of going through this journey. I will have good days and bad and right now I am just having some rough days. I don't honestly think my family and friends honestly does not understand what I have had to deal with. I can only come online to read other women's blogs about their journey and know that they have been through my experience as well and I am so thankful for them. I hope that I can truly help someone who is going through this decision making process cause it sure was a hard decision to make. Either you remove your breasts or have a lumpectomy and radiation and then have an 85% chance of the cancer returning and being more aggresive, hmmmmmm I removed my Hooters.... I don't want that chance of it coming back so here I am sitting waiting for the 2nd surgery to get implants. Thought I would never have implants in my life and here I am today fixing to have them in just 2 months. I am excited about the exchange no doubt but will I really feel like me again? Honestly I guess I won't know until I am again on the other side of surgery.....

Some weird sensations

2010-07-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

So I am now 4 months out from surgery. Everything is going really well I am back to work and have been for over 2 months and I am enjoying it. I missed everyone so much while I was away recovering. I am finished with my fills. Now I am going to talk about the sensations that I am feeling in my chest and under my arms. When I was told that I was having a bilateral mastectomy I was told that there would be no feeling across the chest after surgery was completed, they are right there is no feeling well then again there is a little. We will start with my left side, I have feeling from the top of the foob to right around where my nipple used to be. My left arm the back of it feels funny, half numb half feeling. If I nudge my foob on something it hurts I can feel like a shock of pain running through it. I do not like this feeling at all. The sense of feeling some and not all is weird- It is so hard to explain because I am numb in some places and I can feel other parts of my left side. Now onto the right... My right side is completely numb no sensation at all. I feel nothing. All the way from the middle of my chest to under my arm all the way to my back. This totally sucks! It is like a foreign object sitting there. I don't like this feeling and I know now I have to live with this the rest of my life and it doesn't seem fair sometimes. I cry when I am alone as I don't want my children seeing me cry no more it upsets them. I honestly wish that if I had to choose sensation over feelings sometimes I would rather have none. The feeling on my left side is a weird feeling as some of it is numb and some isn't and it hurts. I can't sit on the pitty pot and feel sorry for myself for being this way, I have a mission here not sure what? Maybe to help other women? Maybe to be a inspiration for others who are going through this who knows? But I do know that cancer is a deadly disease and a horrible one and I stand proud for what I have been through and had to see. I write on Facebook and tell everyone please get a mammogram and check your boobies you just never know when this silent killer will strike! For now I am living with no sensation and trying to just deal with it the best I can, but it is good to get things that are bothering me off my foobs! LOL! For now living with my scars from cancer and dealing with life the best I can...

Happily getting back to normal...

2010-07-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Peeps! Haven't wrote since my last expansion. I am trying to get my life back to normal. Will it ever be normal having cancer? Nope but at least I can try. You see my hobby is making cards and stamping. I started about 6 years ago and it was the only thing I had ever tried and loved. It is my passion. I am posting one of the cards I made tonight. It is for a baby shower. Isn't it adorable! I had not played in my craft room since after my surgery, I had made a few thank you's to friends and family and then I just got down right depressed and just wasn't into it. I finally got inspired this last week and have been going out and purchasing new paper and embellishments and having a good dam time doing it! Work has me going crazy I feel like I'm being pulled 10 different directions but that is how it is in the summer when you work in the travel business. Job Security! :) All is good here, I am finally sleeping more like my normal self even though the expanders are hard as hell and get in the way I am just ready for Oct/Nov to get here for the exchange. I want to feel some softness. As I stare at my photo that I posted what haunts me is seeing my chest without nipples. That is so hard and it makes me sad and angry. So I try not to look at it because it hurts. Sex isn't the same but hopefully when I am finished things will change. I notice myself hiding my body from Rusty. But it is normal emotions. I just wanted to post real quick things are going so good right now I don't want it to change. I am happy :)

Last Expansion and then we wait....

2010-07-10T20:16:00.001-07:00

Friday, July 9, 2010 my last expansion in my expanders. Now we wait 3-4 months for the exchange. Been pretty down lately, I haven't wrote on my blog in a while but I wanted to wait until I got my last one. I am posting a picture of my chest and I am really impressed with it. Dr. Poggi has done a great job and I can't wait for the finished results. Isn't it wild looking at my chest with no nipples? Weird huh? See on the left side of the photo sort of under my arm you can see a little fat bump where my incision is? Dr. Poggi is going to take care of that in the next surgery so that area will be flat under my arm. You can't see my incisions that are underneath, the only incisions we see are from the middle down :) I am pretty happy withat that. And Yes I took this photo myself. Lots of things on my mind, my baby graduates this coming school year and that has me going nuts with what I want to do for Graduation party ya know! Hooray! Party! **happy dance** I did break down the other night, I have had enough of this. I was laying on my left side and these expanders feel like two coconut shells under my muscle and skin, so when you women out there that still have breasts your natural breasts move with you, well not these expanders! They press together when I lay on my side making it feel real uncomfortable. So I lost it I cried... I also got angry and I know I have blogged about this feeling before but hey it's how I feel. So much has gone on, having problems with certain people in my life and it makes things so stressful. I then get told that I shouldn't put my story out there on the internet like that - people think I am doing it for attention? Screw you ok! Who in their right F*#$%*! mind would make a blog and post what they feel continuously because they want attention? Yeah, IM pissed can you tell? People with Cancer don't go to the extreme for attention? I mean WTF? I did this blog for a reason, for my own personal story and to possibly help other women out there who are faced with this same situation as I was. I want to broaden my horizons to help others? Make sense? To an open minded person I am sure. Anyway, I am now at 970 cc's I am getting the big cahoona implants. I can't wait to feel the softness of breasts again, this hardness sucks! I will not lie, I had read about it that I would hate these expanders and yep your right I do! Let me know what you think about my expansion and how my chest looks. I am pretty happy so far... Can't wait until November for the exchange! Hooray! I am almost there!!!

History and Physical

2010-06-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

I saw my Oncologist today for some lab results regarding my liver; Dr. Reddy wanted to make sure my liver is functioning ok with the Tamoxifen and all is good. I sat and talked to him for a while regarding my diagnosis and I would like to share that here. And then my report... He told me that I have a 1% chance of ever developing breast cancer again. Since my tumor was 1.5-mm it was extremly small. His concerns are however is the cancer returning to another part of my body, so he believes more Bone and CT Scans every year to make sure no cancer. Which I am fine with that. Also pap smears every year. He made me feel a little more at ease he said I am doing really well, but always be on the look out because it can strike at any given time. Now I will share with you some of the history and physical information he has in my chart.

Beginning with my History and Physical- Stephanie Martin is a 40 year old caucasian female patient who presents here for further evaluation and recommendations with regard to a recent diagnosis of invasive ductal carsinoma involving her right breast. Stephanie reports her history actually started with a screening mammography, showing presence of abnormal calcifications. She underwent a stereotactic biopsy of these calcifications showing presend of high-grade DCIS. Subseqently, she has undergone bilateral mastectomy with the left one being prophalactic. The pathology and the mastectomy show a 1.5-mm, invasive, component, grade 3, thus prompting the oncologial consultation. Social history- She has 2 children. She reports she has smoked a pack of cigarettes a day for 10 years but quit about 2 months ago. Which it has been almost 4 months now. NO alcoholic beverage intake.

Family history- Significant for a mother who died from breast cancer at age 69. Two sisters with a current diagnosis of breast cancer, one of whom died at age 54. The other sister is alive and age 60. Two paternal aunts with breast cancer. No family history of ovarian carcinoma.

Pathology report- Pathology shows a 1.5-mm, invasive carcinoma in the setting of DCIS, grade 3. Maximum tumors the size of the DCIS being 7 mm, ER+, PR+ at 90 and 80% respectively. HER-2/neu is 3+ BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutational testing performed were negative for deleterious BRCA1 and 2 mutations.

Assessment-
Infiltrating ductal carsinoma of right breast. A 1.5-mm, invasive tumor, ER/PR+, HER-2 3+, T1aNOMX. Prophylactic left mastectomy. Extensive family history of breast cancer with negative deleterious BRCA1 and 2 mutations.

Plan-
CBC and comprehensive panel.
CT of chest, abdomen, and pelvis and bone scan (considering that she does have HER-2neu+ diesease as a baseline study) IN the absense of overt metastatic disease, I discussed with STephanie about the recommendation against adjuvant chemotheraphy or Herceptin considering that we are dealing with a tumor that is less than 5mm in size and is node negative. Considering that she did have ER/PR+ disease and it is grade 3, I think, certainly, tamoxifen would be a option provided she continues to quit smoking at this point.

I am currently taking the tamoxifen and seem to be doing ok with it, I have not smoked in 4 months and continue to do well with that. I just wanted to share some of this information as it is so scary to read. But I am learning more and more about it everyday and I encourage anyone of you to learn more about your disease you must be informed about what is going on with your body so you know. It is so important. Ladies please please make sure you are checking your breasts for abnormal lumps and get a screening every year. This is so important! I will fight this and continue to relay for life to help research this to save other peoples lives...

Change in expansion

2010-06-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

I saw my Plastic Surgeon today Dr. Poggi! He is so damn funny! He loves to tell me some pretty interesting jokes I would post them here but I don't think my Aunts and my elder's would approve so I will keep them to myself. :) Went for my last expansion so I thought. Dr. Poggi has decided that since I love Boobs and how I like the way my chest looks with expanders he believe's saline implants are the way to go. As a silicone implant will be more flatter against my chest with silicone implants more rounder and fuller. So Dr. Poggi expanded me 90 more on both sides. We now have to go to 950 I am at 910 cc's. Many of you may think wow that is *HUGE* but honestly I don't think so not with my body frame. I am a little sore tonight when I move certain ways but not to the point of crying about it. Rusty and I came home and ordered pizza for all the kids and we just finished watching "My Girl" I love that movie. Now I am going to get ready for bed as I have to work tomorrow yelk! I will try and snap a photo of me at this point in the expansion and get it posted soon.

Hooray my last Fill is today!

2010-06-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

Today is the day, I am finished and complete with my expansion today. Hooray! "Happy Dance" I will be filled to 900 cc's today and then we wait the 4 months for the exchange. I am half way through my process with my reconstruction and implants. I can't wait to see the final product that should be like in April 2011 right before my daughter graduates I can't wait to purchase me a new dress for the occasion with my new foobs! :) SWEETNESS~! I am doing pretty good so far. I will tell you a little of what has been going on with my body since all the medication I have been put on and the healing process from the mastectomy. The tamoxifen is constipating me horribly. I think wow did I just give birth again? Jesus! So I am now taking a laxative daily for it and that has helped. I am taking Liprofen for my high triglycerides only to find out that they are $25 dollars to fill the prescription I was like BLAH! I can't pay that! So I am in need of a cheaper drug to reduce my heart disease risk. Next up is my panic/anxiety medication I was taking Zoloft but that blocks the tamoxifen from working properly so they changed that and I have done really well with the exchange. Regarding the healing process from the mastectomy itself. I can sleep only on my back or left side. They look so foreign though like nothing you have seen before. I look at them in the mirror and so many different things run through my mind. I think about how my real boobs felt when I had them it is such a different experience. The expanders are hard as a rock and not pleasant to have under your muscle. This morning Rusty was kissing me good bye and happened to touch the right one and I felt nothing... I knew his hand was there but I couldn't feel it. This is the part I am having the most trouble with, I can live with the scars of it but not being able to feel it is an emotional feeling for me. I mean my new foobs are going to be soft and just like the natural breast but I won't be able to feel it. But I am sure I will get through it no doubt some how some way. I have to take the good with the bad for I could have died having breast cancer that would have been the bad... I hurt off and on somedays. If I sleep too long on my left side my foob on that side hurts real bad I just have to change position. I can't lay on my right side it just hurts too bad so that is a no go. My chest wall feels different there are lumpy bumps when I feel the foobs possibly from scar tissue, my PS told me not to worry everything looks great. I am just learning to live with this that is all you can do honestly. The incisions have healed real good, the holes from the drains are healing up and are pink in color still. All in all I am doing pretty good, but don't think that I don't get upset and cry sometimes because I do... I am only human...

Breast Cancer Recurrance

2010-06-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

The title on this post says it all. Breat Cancer Recurrence. Yes ladies it can happen even though I have had a bilateral mastectomy. FACT: Undergoing a bilateral mastectomy drastically reduces my chances of breast cancer recurrence since almost all of my breast tissue has been removed. There is a very small chance that residual breast tissue or cancer cells could recur on the chest wall. That is why it is important to continue with self-breast exams; see your doctor on a regular basis for examinations; and report any breast changes to your doctor my cancer can come back.
Note: Having a mastectomy or bilateral mastectomy does not reduce your risk of developing a cancer recurrence elsewhere in your body. *this is the part that scares the hell out of me* I worry about this daily, I am not invisible at all so this can happen I just have to make myself aware of it. Once you have cancer you are always considered a cancer patient. It really makes me angry that I took drastic measures to kill this monsterous disease in my body to know in the back of my mind it could come back to haunt me again! And here are the facts:
• Young Age—Age groups of 35 years or less and 40 years or less have been associated with an increased risk of locoregional recurrence after mastectomy.[20-22] Lewis and Reinhoff[20] reported a crude local recurrence rate of 67% for patients aged 20 to 29years and 41% for patients aged 30 to 39 years in an early radical mastectomy series, whereas in women aged ³ 40 years, local failure rates were 21% to 25%. In another radical mastectomy series, Donegan et al[21] observed a similar crude failure rate of 67% for ages 20 to 29 years and 46% for ages 20 to 39 years, compared with < 25% for those ³ 40 years of age. Yikes! This is so scary for me. I mean we go through with a mastectomy to reduce our risk which I have and I am thankful for that but there is always that chance of it coming back. All I can do is follow my doctors orders and do my self exams and also get regular MRI's that is what I was told a yearly MRI to make sure that no cancer has come back on my chest... I pray every day that I will stay in remission and continue to for the rest of my life. I am a fighter and I will not let this monster get me...

Survivor Tattoo!

2010-06-21T04:23:00.000-07:00

I got this tattoo a few days ago. A friend that I work with wanted to give it to me as a gift from her and her boyfriend Matt. Her name is Keri. Matt works at Point Blank Tattoo here in Wichita so off I went last Wednesday. It is starting to heal really well the first couple of days I was worried because it was so red around the whole tattoo but it seems to be pulling out of it. I am very proud of this tattoo this is my 4th tattoo and probably my last. I have a heart on my arm with Sarah and Shanie's name, a fairy on my back, two flowers in memory of my parents on my left ankle and now the breast cancer ribbon on my right ankle. My name means "crowned one" so that is why I decided to have a crown at the top of the ribbon and I absolutely love it because it was my idea. NO one will have another tattoo like this and I will wear this proud! I get my last expansion on Friday the 25th I am super excited that I am almost done with this faze.

Expansion process almost complete!

2010-06-16T08:26:00.005-07:00

I met with my PS today (plastic surgeon) I noticed over the weekend that my left side the skin was a little saggy. I was concerned so I went in. He explained that my swelling from surgery is starting to come down which is allowing for the saggy skin; it is normal though. So we talked about the exchange surgery I told him I needed an estimated month, he told me November. I am pumped. Honestly, I can say I am not as scared as I was when this all came about. I have been through so much and so now I am just like ok let's do it! I am now filled to 820 cc's and he has decided for me to utilize saline implants. The exchange surgery is about 2 hours in length and I will be home for about 4 weeks. November is a good time for me. As I can after I recover a bit work on some projects (paper projects) that I want to do for Christmas. I am a stamper and I have another blog for my cards etc. which is www.stippleshapes.blogspot.com if you ever want to jump over there and take a peek. I am in shock that this is half way over for me. I mean March was an overwhelming month for me and here I am on the other side of surgery and it is June. I have a fill this coming Friday and then another fill on the 25th and then I am complete! So this is all good news this morning. After the results that told me I had breast cancer, the biopsy, the doctor visits and all the fills, the bone scan's, ct scans and all the lab work, this has made me a stronger person and I have realized that life is so precious, you can't take anything for granted I mean NOTHING! So much has changed since this happened to me and I know for a fact that God only gives you as much as you can handle. It takes a strong person to handle Cancer and all that comes with it.

NO SMOKING! Hooray for me!

2010-06-15T11:05:00.001-07:00

It has been 3 months as of June 12th that I gave up smoking cigarettes. My last cigarette was on March 12th at 10:00 a.m. my break time. Here is my recovery timetable when I stopped:
72 hours~
Your entire body will test 100% nicotine-free and over 90% of all nicotine metabolites (the chemicals it breaks down into) will now have passed from your body via your urine. Symptoms of chemical withdrawal have peaked in intensity, including restlessness. The number of cue induced crave episodes will peak for the "average" ex-user. Lung bronchial tubes leading to air sacs (alveoli) are beginning to relax in recovering smokers. Breathing is becoming easier and the lungs functional abilities are starting to increase.
5 - 8 days~
The "average" ex-smoker will encounter an "average" of three cue induced crave episodes per day. Although we may not be "average" and although serious cessation time distortion can make minutes feel like hours, it is unlikely that any single episode will last longer than 3 minutes. Keep a clock handy and time them.
10 days~
The "average ex-user is down to encountering less than two crave episodes per day, each less than 3 minutes.
10 days to 2 weeks~
Recovery has likely progressed to the point where your addiction is no longer doing the talking. Blood circulation in our gums and teeth are now similar to that of a non-user.
2 to 4 weeks~
Cessation related anger, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, impatience, insomnia, restlessness and depression have ended. If still experiencing any of these symptoms get seen and evaluated by your physician.
21 days~
Brain acetylcholine receptor counts up-regulated in response to nicotine's presence have now down-regulated and receptor binding has returned to levels seen in the brains of non-smokers.
2 weeks to 3 months~
Your heart attack risk has started to drop. Your lung function is beginning to improve.
3 weeks to 3 months~
Your circulation has substantially improved. Walking has become easier. Your chronic cough, if any, has likely disappeared.

I am super proud of myself and will continue to stay away from cigarette smoking. It is a nasty habit unfortunately I smoked since I was 15 and I pray that I have not done damage to my body because of it. I never knew how nasty smoking was until I put the fire out. It is bad bad for your health and also bad for children and other people. I was always a polite smoker though. I wouldn't smoke around anyone who was allergic or couldn't handle the smoke. I would always ask at the casino, Maam do you mind? I would hold up my cigarette. If they said no, then I would light up. Nasty nasty nasty! But my Mom and Dad both smoked, and several of my siblings smoked too. I guess when I turned 40 everything changed for me. I got breast cancer, quit smoking and now I am working on getting my body back to a healthier me.

Relay for Life... photo's

2010-06-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

I experienced my first Relay for Life and I was so moved by it all. So many people came out to help raise money for Cancer research and our Relay raised $32,000.00. Is that not remarkable? I am getting geared up for next year. I have a new game plan to help raise money this next go around and my goal next year is $1000. My team alone raised $300. I want to share some photo's that was taken, I had the privledge to walk up front holding the Relay for Life sign as me and other survivor's walked the track to kick of this year's Celebration. We then released a balloon in our honor as a Cancer survivor. I also made up signs for friends and family members who have lost their lives to cancer or who are still fighting the battle. We walked a lap for each one I am posting a few pictures...I post my daughter's picture in honor of Zachary Daniel Knapp Howland who died at the age of 17 with a brain tumor (my best friend's son) we loved Zach so very much he was diagnosed at the age of 14, he went to St. Jude Children's hospital for chemotherapy and radiation treatments, a new protocol they called it but his Cancer was too far advanced and we lost him November 2003 and my Mother who died of Breast Cancer in 1995 she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 1990 and lived 5 years. I walk to save lives and will continue walking and raising money! This is my new outlook in life to help others as they have helped me fight this battle...

Obsessed with Breasts!

2010-06-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am so obsessed with Boobs! That is all I think about, all I search about online, and all I fantasize about! Am I crazy? No? Am I a Lesbian? No! I am a woman that had breast cancer and a double mastectomy and is currently undergoing reconstruction. I look at thousands of boobies a day on the internet, amazing; boobs are all different shapes and sizes. Yes of course I knew that but honestly had never seen so many boobies. I guess I am in search of the perfect pair of racks. Is there a perfect pair? Yes! I have seen dozens and dozens. Well at least I think they are the perfect pair. I want to be as normal as possible so that is why I am so obsessed with this… I feel this is my way of finding out how beautiful my new boobs will be or can be. I have a great Doctor and he is going to make them look as natural as possible. But I find myself starring at other women’s boobs maybe because I am jealous or maybe I think gosh, could she have breast cancer? What if she does? I wonder if she gets her self checked regularly? Or wow she has some big boobs! I don’t want mine that big… Or I think; must be nice being able to keep your own boobs because I can’t feel anything here anymore, and it isn’t fair. Or is it fair? I have a 1% chance of developing breast cancer again. And these women all have their boobs and it could hit them at any given moment. Boobs have been a symbol of femininity and sexuality since civilization began, so it is not unusual for me to feel that breast cancer has attacked my body image and for me to have these feelings and thoughts. It is difficult for me to express the sense that my body has betrayed me and that the loss of both my breasts can feel like the end of being female for me. I sometimes avoid intimacy and dress alone or in the dark. It is just a part of who I am now and I want to find that perfect pair of racks to make me I guess whole again? Does this make sense? Of course it does! I am a woman!

Am I lucky? Really?

2010-06-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

I continue to hear, your boobs are going to look so nice, your boobs are going to be so perky, wow! Your so lucky to get new boobs! Lucky? Really? You think I am lucky? Honestly people--Having breast cancer is not lucky! I do not think of anyone who has breast cancer as being lucky to have new boobs. This entire ordeal is not something to feel so lucky about. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for months. I have looked at the death in the face; and overcome so many fears that I had when I was first diagnosed. Yes I am glad to have my old boobs removed (so they can not kill me) and new one’s replaced but honestly think about this; I can not feel anything across my chest, my entire chest is numb. Under my arm is numb, I have no nipple sensation at all! I have a scar that is the shape of an anchor that starts from the middle of my chest and goes under both arms until it gets to my back. My skin is being stretched with expanders and hurts like hell… I am in pain most of the time. I can’t lift anything heavier than 7 pounds and I can’t do a lot of the things that come easy. For instance trying to get something out of my kitchen cabinet is like an obstacle course, I have to get a chair to even remotely get anything down. If I try to reach for it, the pain pulls under my arm. Sleeping is impossible still. I have recently been able to sleep on my left side with a body pillow but forget trying to lay on my right side. So it is either my back or my left side. Not many options. Every time I hug a loved one all they feel are these hard cold foreign objects in my chest. I am taking tamoxifen so that my breast cancer doesn't come back, and it causes constipation and that totally sucks! I mean most of the time I go along with everyone who says something but all in all it hurts, the fact that I had to loose my beautiful breasts to this disease and I had no other choice but to get them removed. So if you really think I am lucky then I would like to trade places with you. Just walk in my shoes for one day it isn’t all what you think. I promise!

Remembering...

2010-06-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my Mother this morning on the way to work not like I don't think of her everyday but this morning was different. I was thinking about the day she told me she had to have her right breast removed. At the time I was engaged to my girls Dad the time brings me back to 1990, I was 20 years old. I was planning a wedding and the girls Dad needed to have surgery on his tail bone. I was at Saint Francis Hospital here in Wichita and he had just went in for surgery when my Mother and neighbor had showed up from her visit with the doctor to be with me while we waited for him to come out of surgery. I met her at the front door and I said, Mom what did the doctor say? She started bawling, "I have to have my breast removed" I had never seen my Mother cry so it was a shock and broke my heart. I grabbed her and cried too. I was so broken hearted, right then I knew cancer was a horrible monster. My Mother the one who cares for me, comforts me and protects me is going to have her breast removed? I can't even imagine what I am going to do? They got her in fast as my Mother's tumor had grown from April 1990 to August 1990 from a pea to the size of a tangerine. The day of surgery all of us were there my siblings and I we all gave her a kiss and told her it is going to be alright. 4 hours went by and finally Dr. French came out and said everything went well but we did find 23 lymph nodes with cancer. Our hearts sank as we knew that her cancer had spread to other parts of her body not just in the breast. As sure as we thought she was going to have to have chemotherapy and some radiation. Little did we know that her cancer would eventually within 6 months spread to her bones and kill her in 1995. I lost my Mother June 29, 1995 we buried her July 3, 1995. I will never forget the loneliness I have felt from that day forward. I miss my Mom so much she was my rock, I went to her for everything. It has been hard to deal with, but I am also thankful for her fight in order to save me now. I can not even imagine my children going through this for one minute. It was so hard to deal with. I was numb for months. I kept saying what if I would have done this? or that? Maybe Mom would still be here. There was nothing we could have done. I watched her waddle out of the car every week when I took her to chemotherapy - I sat with her while she got her chemo and then took care of her when she was sick the following day from the treatment. It sucked! Plain and simple it sucked bad! I watched my Mom go from a very energetic woman to this frail little bitty woman. She had brown spots all over her arms she had to have radiation on her pelvic area that was later after the chemo treatment and that made her so sick. Bless her heart though she was able to make it to my wedding she was healed enough to have purchased a prothesis to put in her bra to look normal and normal she looked. She was beautiful. I love her and always will she is my Angel....

Cancer Fighting Stretegies

2010-06-07T13:03:00.001-07:00

Here is an awsome website that I found on how to fight cancer and keep it from coming back when you get a chance to take a peek it has some interesting information about detoxing the body...
http://www.cancerfightingstrategies.com/index.html for some reason my link will not show up in my posting so you will have to copy and paste the address from here.

Floral Tattoo? Or normal Nipples?

2010-06-07T06:51:00.001-07:00

Take a look at this photo I found on the internet of a woman who has had mastectomy and reconstruction she had flowers tattooed around the nipple that was tattooed as well. Is this not a HOOT! I think they look fantastic! Something different right! I love it! Now if I could get away with something like this I would sure do it. Her breasts are so nice and perky and the tattoo she chose is just awsome. I am a person who loves Tattoo's I have 3 right now and getting my fourth sometime this week. I am super excited about that. I just think after everything us women have been through I think we should be able to choose exactly what we want. And I think this lady who has done this tattoo on her new breasts is awsome and very adventurous! I haven't made up my mind right yet but I would love to have a pair of these puppies they look so pretty. (at least I think so) I mean you could tattoo anything right? How about Breast Cancer Ribbon's? Cherries? 777's? Hearts? Sun and Moon? Car? that is getting a little funky with the car but hey my imagination is running with it. Peace Signs? Wings? Cross? well you get the picture I am sure this might be something for me later on down the road but I think for now I am going to get the normal tattoo nipple's - maybe one day when I am finished with this whole thing I will get some awsome tattooing on my new tata's! :) now to the expansion that was done on Thursday... I am hella sore... as you can see I am at 760 cc's Dr. Poggi said if we are going to a 800 cc implant then I will have to be expanded to 900 cc's. Can I do it? I am not sure I am sick of this whole thing already. These expanders hurt and are uncomfortable and it sucks. But I have to keep my confidence, strength and determination to get to the next step in this process and I know I will make it - I just have to tell myself. By April of 2011 things will be so much better :) I can't wait...

Expanded to 760 cc's

2010-06-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

Here is a photo of what my FOOBS look like at 760 cc's. I am not quite finished with expansion as you can see my nipples have been removed and I have what they call an "anchor incision" it has other names but this one is the one that stuck in my head. See the 2 band-aids on each side that is where the fill took place and yes once the needle comes out I do bleed for a small amount of time not much though. I am half way there! I have come along way and overcome so much, fear, saddness, hope, strength, courage and happiness too. I am so happy to be alive and to document this journey for other women out there who have been diagnosed after me. I hope you find this information on my blog helpful for your journey as well... I have held off so long to post these photo's but I finally have the courage to do so now. Im not scared no more. It is what it is and you have to find the serenity to accept the things you can not change and that is what I have done.

4th Fill with photographs

2010-06-03T18:06:00.000-07:00

My forth expansion 6/3/10 I am expanded today to 760 cc's, and I came out of surgery with 300 cc's. Dr. Poggi takes a needle and inserts it into the expander under my skin and muscle and yes it hurts. He then has a tube that is hooked to seringe (spelling?) and that is hooked to an IV bag with saline in it. He pushes the saline through the seringe and tubing into the expander as you see in the photograph.

Breast Cancer Vaccine Shows Promising Results

2010-06-02T06:48:00.011-07:00

Check out this article that I found from CBS- I am so thankful that scientists are hard at work to find a cure for this horrible disease. If there is going to be a vaccine it will cure so many that are faced with this every year.

A vaccine to prevent breast cancer has shown overwhelmingly favorable results in animals, according to a study by researchers at Cleveland Clinic's Lerner Research Institute.

They found that a single vaccination with the antigen a-lactalbumin prevents breast cancer tumors from forming in mice, while inhibiting the growth of existing tumors.

If successful, it would be the first vaccine to prevent breast cancer, reports CBS Cleveland affiliate WOIO.

"We believe this vaccine will someday be used to prevent breast cancer in adult women in the same way that vaccines prevent polio and measles in children," Vincent Tuohy, Ph.D., the study's principal investigator and an immunologist at the Lerner Institute, told WOIO..

"If it works in humans the way it works in mice, this will be monumental. We could eliminate breast cancer," he added.

While the researchers are optimistic, they warn it's a big leap from results in animals to similar results in humans and there is no guarantee the treatment will make it to human trials.

In the current study, genetically cancer-prone mice were vaccinated -- half with a vaccine containing the antigen and half with a vaccine that did not contain the antigen. None of the mice vaccinated with the antigen developed breast cancer, while all the other mice did.

The Food and Drug Administration has approved two cancer-prevention vaccines, one against cervical cancer and one against liver cancer. But those vaccines target viruses -- the human papillomavirus (HPV) and the Hepatitis B virus (HBV) -- not cancer formation itself.

Cancer presents a quandary that viruses don't in terms of developing vaccines, experts point out. While viruses are recognized as foreign invaders by the immune system, cancer isn't. Cancer is an over-development of the body's own cells. Trying to vaccinate against such cell over-growth would effectively be vaccinating against the recipient's own body, destroying healthy tissue.

The key, Tuohy said, is to find a target within the tumor that isn't typically found in a healthy person. In the case of breast cancer, he and his team targeted a-lactalbumin, a protein found in the majority of breast cancers, but not in healthy women, except during lactation. Therefore, the vaccine can rev up a woman's immune system to target a-lactalbumin, stopping tumor formation without damaging healthy breast tissue.

The strategy could be to vaccinate women over 40, when breast cancer risk begins to increase and pregnancy becomes less likely. (If a woman would become pregnant after being vaccinated, she would experience breast soreness and would likely have to choose not to breast feed)

For younger women with a heightened risk of breast cancer, the vaccine may be an option to consider instead of prophylactic radical mastectomy, researcher say.

"Most attempts at cancer vaccines have targeted viruses, or cancers that have already developed," said Joseph Crowe, M.D., Director of the Breast Center at Cleveland Clinic. "Dr. Tuohy is not a breast cancer researcher, he's an immunologist, so his approach is completely different - attacking the tumor before it can develop. It's a simple concept, yet one that has not been explored until now."

Because the approach is so new, many experts are cautious. "This is interesting, however extremely preliminary work," says Dr. Freya Schnabel, a breast cancer expert at New York University Medical Center who worries that even if the vaccination eventually proved effective, finding the right stage in life to use the vaccine will be challenging.

"If malignant transformation is a process that takes years to complete, the 40s may actually be too late to vaccinate," says Schnabel. Schnabel also points out that the study admits there is controversy over just how many breast cancers contain the treatment's main target - a-lactalbumin.

Schnabel also points out that the study admits there is controversy over just how many breast cancers contain the treatment's main target - a-lactalbumin.

Still Tuohy is hopeful that the findings of this study might go beyond breast cancer, providing insight into the development of vaccines to prevent other types of cancer.

The results show that the antigen used in a cancer vaccine must meet several criteria: It must be over-expressed in the majority of targeted tumors; and it must not be found in normal tissue, except under specific, avoidable conditions (such as lactation).

Memorial weekend

2010-06-01T07:47:00.001-07:00

I had a blast this weekend. My girls and I went to the YMCA on Saturday. I had to go find me a swimsuit top that morning as my tankini fit horribly due to the foobs being a little different this summer. So off to JC Penny with Sarah and Tatum, I tried on so many tops at least 50 my poor chest was so sore from trying on and off all those swimsuits. I finally decided on this really pretty turquoise blue with black flowers it was perfect and it also slims you a bit. The foobs fit nicely in it as there isn't this great big bra that is sewn inside of it. That was the problem I was having mostly all the tankini's have bra's sewn inside, well I don't need to wear a bra so I didn't want anything like that. So off we went to the "Y" when we first got there it wasn't so packed, but after about an hour there was no place to swim.. It was crazy! I should have known since it just opened that day but oh well all and all we had fun and I did get a sunburn. My foobs got a little burned too which I am really worried about. I am not sure if my PS (Plastic Surgeon)will like that or not? We will see this coming Thursday. I get my 4th fill. I am almost to complete expansion and I am super excited. I am ready for the second surgery and to get past all of this. But all and all the pool was fabulous! It was nice to get out and do something with the girls and the water felt awsome! I was a little worried about getting my foobs too wet so I just slightly got them wet as I just don't want an infection that is something I don't need. I didn't go to the cemeteries this year. It just wasn't in me I know my parents know that I miss them and love them. It isn't about the flowers you place to remember them it is the love in your heart that you carry with you daily. That's all I have for today. I am doing good and getting around good - until the next fill we will see what happens. Loving life..... :)

Tamoxifen Side Effects Augghhh!

2010-05-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

The reason I am posting this is I just found out that while I am taking tamoxifen my menstrual cycle basically have stopped! Am I happy about this? In a way yes, but also in a way no! I mean a woman is supposed to shed each month and I think it isn't normal for a woman not too. But apparently the tamoxifen blocks estrogen so therefore blocks me from having a period. I may start having them after the 5 year mark when I stop taking the drug but it could also stop me from ever having them again. I have wondered because I haven't had one since April. And May is almost over and no period. If you read below it states changes in menstral cycle. As far as all the other side effects I experienced in the beginning about 3 weeks ago leg cramps one night, I do experience hot flashes badly throughout the day. I do occasionally have a tummy ache and feel like I am going to vomit but it comes and goes. My hair is fine I do not show any sign of it thinning out or anything. I hope this helps anyone who is curious about this drug. Every drug comes with a side effect.

Side effects that you should report to your doctor or health care professional as soon as possible:

allergic reactions like skin rash, itching or hives, swelling of the face, lips, or tongue

breathing problems

changes in vision

changes in your menstrual cycle

difficulty walking or talking

new breast lumps

numbness

pelvic pain or pressure

redness, blistering, peeling or loosening of the skin, including inside the mouth

sudden chest pain

swelling, pain or tenderness in your calf or leg

unusual bruising or bleeding

vaginal discharge that is bloody, brown, or rust

weakness

yellowing of the whites of the eyes or skin

Side effects that usually do not require medical attention (report to your doctor or health care professional if they continue or are bothersome):

fatigue

hair loss, although uncommon and is usually mild

headache

hot flashes

impotence (in men)

nausea, vomiting (mild)

vaginal discharge (white or clear)

This list may not describe all possible side effects. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088.

Thank you to all my Doctors!

2010-05-26T10:52:00.001-07:00

A big Thank You goes out to my Medical Team who saved my life... Kim Clothier, RPA-C, Cypress Women's Imaging, who performed my biopsy and explained so much to me regarding my breasts. James Hesse MD, Lakepoint Family Physicians who is always there for me no matter what the situation, you guided me in the right direction with such great care and listened to my feelings and calmed me when I needed it the most. Dr. Therese Cusick MD, FACS, Breast Care Specialists, for helping make the right decisions for me and the rest of my life and performing the surgery to remove my breast tissue to get rid of the cancer. Dr. Joseph Poggi, Plastic Surgeon for making me new breasts and having such a wonderful fun, energetic attitude through this whole process your the best! And Dr. Pavan S. Reddy MD, Cancer Oncologist for treatment options to keep this cancer from not coming back! I thank you all for taking such great care of me and saving my life. You have been wonderful to me and my famliy. Without you in our lives what would we do? Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Sex after Mastectomy

2010-05-25T07:06:00.001-07:00

********LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX******* Yes, there is sex after mastectomy. It bothered me so much to even think about the first time I would be intimate with Rusty. There was so much to consider for me. Not that I would want him to touch my chest because I am going through reconstruction and the expanders are just too hard so that wasn't a problem, I knew he wouldn't want to feel them anyway. My problem was the fact that I felt like I was disfigured and I didn't want that to ruin it for both of us. (and if you are not comfortable reading this part of my journal then please don't I don't want to offend anyone but I want you to know how it made me feel) I remember taking off my shirt for the first time and placing my chest against his, I couldn't feel him at all he could feel me but I can not feel anything. It hurt but I enjoyed the warmth that I felt around the rest of my body. I have the perfect man I guess you would say because this disfigured chest of mine right now doesn't seem to bother him, he always tells me just think of the end results baby it is going to be great. I love this man dearly he is so comforting and understands everything that I am going through. I decided that I would tell him before we actually had intimacy that I would like to reframe from taking off my shirt until my new breasts are complete. I just don't feel like a complete woman without nipples and nice soft breasts. I discussed this with him and he totally understood. So for our first intimate rendevous it was not as passionate as I would have liked but overall it was good to be intimate with him after the emotional roller coaster ride that I had for 2 months. I mean how passionate can you get without soft breasts and nipples to make it really erotic ya know! LOL! At first I did feel weird like wait.. I have cancer and should I be having sex? Is that just too weird or what? I mean I am sick right? and having sex? I thought this way because when you have sex you let everything go. All your worries, the kids, dogs, work, bills everything and you just focus on what is going on with you and the man you love. So I felt like I was doing something evil maybe? possibly? yes! But as evil as I thought it finally did pass so I could focus on what was really happening. He was gentle in every way possible which made me more relaxed and comfortable. We have had many more sexual experiences and each time they continue to get better. I took off my shirt lastnight and asked him to hold me and he did, I of course can't feel my chest but I could feel the warmth of his arms wrapped around me - I couldn't have asked for a better person to be in my life to hold my hand through this incredible journey and I am so thankful he is in my life and I love him with everything I have.... I am anxious when the time comes when my chest is complete and I have soft new breasts that are full and new nipples even though there will be no nipple sensation (that doesn't bother me) at least I will look "normal" or is there a "normal'? (that is another post later on being "normal") anyway I wanted to share my thoughts about my sexual experience because this is how I felt bottom line. I want people to know that with my experience a lot of things have changed life isn't the same as I once knew it....

Great Weekend...

2010-05-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful weekend... Friday evening I went to the mall (alone) and purchsed some of my favorite scent as I was out. "PINK" body lotion and body spray. I then went home to my dear hubby and step children and his sister was in town with her little girl Hope, as my dear hubby's Mom had been in hospital that day having tests ran on her for her heart which came back negative... Woot Woot! So off we went to my favorite place to eat "Felipes" Yummy Yummy! I dove right into those tortilla chips and salsa! So we ate... Went to bed around 11:30 p.m. got up early Saturday morning I ran some errands then me, Anna, Tatum and Hope decided to go to the Zoo. So off we went Hope had never been to the Sedgwick Co. Zoo so it was a real treat for her. Of course we have a pass so we go there all the time. Anywho we enjoyed the entire Zoo Treat! I love animals and they had a new exhibit out there that I had not seen yet which were the Tigers. They are so beautiful and of course Tiger's being my favorite I was in AWWW! Beautiful creatures. We walked through everything, we saw snakes, toads, tortoise's, birds of all kinds, buffalo, wolves, bears, penguins, elephants, rhino's, tigers, gorilla's and giraffe's! and of course many more but too many to name... Since I have gone through cancer these animals mean so much more to me than they used to. I appreciate them and also just how beautiful and magnificent they all are. I mean before I thought I appreciated animals but this Zoo trip was different so different... It just really hit me Saturday... the beauty of it all. It is amazing how life changes when you have experience death in the face like cancer - anyway... we left the Zoo after 2 1/2 hours of walking whew my dogs were barking! We went over to Wendy's and had lunch. Then home we went. Later that evening I was invited to my brother's birthday Dinner at Golden Coral. My sister and both brothers with all the family met there and we had a wonderful dinner together. My brothers are born on the same day just 7 years apart! Amazing I know. Then Rusty and I went to the Casino for about 3 hours he won $300 so it was worth the trip. I had a very busy busy Saturday. Sunday came and I did some things around the house and also went grocery shopping. I so like to make sure I have all my ducks in a row before the new week starts so I don't have to worry about what am I going to do for dinner? I just had a very wonderful weekend and so thankful for all of the people who I got to spend time with. So all and all I had a wonderul weekend and I am overjoyed today (Monday) - everyone have a wonderful week...

Starting to settle...

2010-05-21T06:03:00.030-07:00

My third fill that took place 1 week ago today is finally settling down a bit. I am still tight across the chest but it isn't like it was a week ago. Last weekend was the worst the tightness definately got to me. I was so sore and was so uncomfortable. I think the muscles are loosing up a bit and stretching. I talked to Celeste (Dr. Poggi's nurse) and she said they will do about 3 more fills then we will probably be done. Then we wait 3-4 months before the exchange. She is thinking around September or October for 2nd surgery. I am really not that worried about the surgery the worst part of it I've already done :) but surgery is always a bit scary. I continue to have hot flashes due to the tamoxifen I am taking. I also started a new drug lastnight for my high triglycerides because the Tricor I was taking was making me completely sick. I finally got a pay check today too so life is starting to resume back to normal in a sense. Lastnight I had another melt down so I thought hmmm maybe if I walk and cry maybe I can release some frustrations. So I took off to the Indian, I started walking, I walked beside the river and followed the trail all the way past Exploration Place. I went up on the tundra a bit and read all the memorial's we have for the Marines that have lost their lives in battle. It was a bit colder than I had expected so I started walking faster to get my heart rate going to warm up I turned around to head back toward where I had parked- I finally made it and let me tell you I feel more refreshed this morning than I have in weeks! The walk did me some good I shed a few tears. I even sat down along the trail and watched the water from the Arkansas River flow by me it is so serine and beautiful down there and so peaceful. I must do this again soon! I enjoyed it so much :) I never really when I was younger even looked at the river a second time things just didn't mean anything to me back then. Life is so wonderful and full now it's amazing. I am just thankful for it all! Now on a different note a friend of mine that I went to school with past away last Saturday night - Rusty and I went to the viewing lastnight it was sad to see a friend who I used to laugh with and have good times with going to his resting place so young. It sucks! He just turned 40 last week. Sometimes life is so sad and it makes me so angry there was no reason this young person had to go so soon. I saw many friends from school and it was nice to visit for a bit even though we had to meet a such a sad time :( Well it is Friday peeps and I am looking forward to a nice weekend I hope I have a good one and get a lot accomplished.. Until next week peeps talk to you soon...

Emotions running wild...

2010-05-18T07:11:00.006-07:00

Last night was one of those nights again where I just broke down. I had a really good evening. The grand kids came over and I got to hold little Kataliyna and feed her burp her and just snuggle with her, and then I was able to play with Kayiden too she and I played with Buster for a while she would throw his toy and have Buster go get it and bring it back so cute! After Hector came by and picked up the girls I put Tatum in the bath and laid in bed while she played. Rusty ran to store to get some milk and put some gas in my van. After Tatum fell asleep and Rusty and I were settled in our bed it happened.... My chest hurt, I felt depressed and overwelmed with everything going on. I couldn't get comfortable that is what started it. I kept tossing and turning to try and find a comfortable position and there wasn't one! I just laid there on my back bawling. Rusty said, honey it is hard isn't it and I am so sorry sweetheart... It sucks what you are going through but it is going to be over soon I promise sweetie. I just cried and said, I miss not being able to roll over on my right side and just hold you while we lay in bed watching TV I haven't been able to do that since the night before surgery. He said yeah I know babe it sucks totally I miss it too. Then of course he cracked off a joke and I laughed for a split second then I started crying he just reached over and held my hand, rubbing it, finally I settled down and stopped crying. The next thing I knew it was morning so I must have drifted off into such a deep sleep because I sure don't remember the night. I never got up in the middle of the night that has been a nightly ritual since surgery so I must of slept very hard. I feel refreshed I am still feeling upset with emotions but trying to get past it. I am honestly sick of feeling this way. Maybe it is just something we go through when we loose out boobs to cancer and just the part of healing... I don't know as I have never been through this before. I hope it passes because I am trying to be strong. It is so hard though... As I laid there lastnight crying all that was running through my head was I sort of miss my boobs, I miss the feel of them, and why did this happen to me? Why? I hate Cancer, I hate it! Now I have these rock hard coconuts sitting on my chest that hurt like a BITCH! And I know this is temporary I do, but it seems like a lifetime..... It just upset me that I can't lay on my side and hold my hubby and when I do hug him it is like these 2 foreign objects are between us and I can't feel the warmth of his chest no more. I'm just sad..... I miss the time when I was a normal person. I'm just having a moment here sorry to be so down...

Size of my tumor...

2010-05-17T11:41:00.001-07:00

I wanted to post so you can actually see the size of cancer tumors and how they are ranked by stage. Stage 1 of course being the smallest and so on... My Invasive Ductal Carcinoma is Stage 1 less than 2 cm. I have drawn a line showing the actual size of my tumor it was very very small. It wasn't even 1 cm. I was so lucky to have caught my tumor so early. I want to emphasize DO NOT WAIT TO GET A MAMMOGRAM! PLEASE GET YOUR YEARLY MAMMOGRAMS! IT IS SO IMPORTANT! If you have a close relative especially, Mother, sister, daughter or grandmother you are at High Risk of getting breast cancer! Please please I am screaming this out at you today! Get checked! If I was not getting mine checked every 6 months I might have never known this cancer was growing inside me. I owe many thanks to many people but most of all myself for doing what I was supposed to do. If I would have given my mammogram appointment a second thought the cancer would still be growing inside of me and getting bigger and bigger. Ladies, this is a deadly disease the bigger the tumor the worse the outcome could be for you. You can be just as lucky as I am if you continue to check your racks ladies. I am serious.. I haven't been more serious in my life. I knew my Mother had stage IV cancer in 1990 that I would one day face it and here I am, I faced it; and I kicked it's ass! Because I was Breast Cancer AWARE!! Thank you Stephanie for making that call. Am I Lucky? No? Very educated.... Educate yourself ladies... It's your LIFE!

Monday back to work time...

2010-05-17T07:11:00.001-07:00

What a horrible weekend.. I have been so sore and sick it sucks! I am not sure what got me sick I thought maybe the tamoxifen was making me sick but I talked to my sister and she said steroids (which I am taking for a rash) could make me sick. So I didn't take them this morning I think I am done with that. I only had like 5 pills left anyway but if it was going to make me feel crapy then you can forget that. The fill on Friday has left me sore as hell. I cried for the first time in a long time lastnight as I laid in bed with Rusty. I cried mostly because I felt like I just can't do this no more. I was angry and just plain tired of it. Maybe I just needed to cry but I sure thought.... Did I do the right thing by doing the reconstruction? I questioned myself because of the pain. I am a big ole baby it just finally got me lastnight. Rusty just held my hand as the tears ran down my face. I was hurting and I just needed his gentle touch to help me get through whatever was making me so upset cause honestly if I have come this far why not go all the way right? I am still sore but not as I was on Friday and Saturday. Those were my worst two days - my chest was so tight and it seems like my right side hurts worse than my left. I did a lot on Saturday but I had to. Kids have to eat and we have to have clean clothes so I did that and I think I probably did too much thank goodness for the Percocets to off set my pain for a few hours :) I am back at work today feeling way better than I did this weekend and I am thankful. I hope all of you have a wonderful week and that is really all I have for today. I don't have my 4th fill until June 3rd so about 3 weeks. In the meantime I am going to do some more research about my cancer and other factors of breast cancer. I will post soon...

I had my 3rd Fill Ouch!

2010-05-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

Friday May 14th was my 3rd fill of 120 cc's. I am definately hurting this weekend! I am now at 660 cc's in the expander's! I am looking like I have some boobs but they are hard as a rock. I did a lot today and I know I shouldn't have but I am just not one to sit down and let other people help me I can't stand that! I went to grocery store and my 13 year old went with me and helped me out a lot. She even vaccuumed and dusted for me today while I put the dishes in the dish washer and cleaned up the kitchen a bit. But I will tell you I truly hurt after all that. It is late in the evening we are having the Wichita River Festival this week and the last night of the festival they do a fireworks display over the banks of the Arkansas River but it is misting rain outside and I am just not sure if they will let loose with the fireworks this year or not? We are trying to find something on the tv about it but of course nothing. I am going to take it easy the rest of the weekend I did make a Happy Birthday card for a co-worker a few minutes ago and I am pretty pleased with it. I am very very tight my right side feels tighter than the other and I feel really swollen but I know that is just the numbing feeling of it all. My kids are like wow Mom they are growing! ha ha! Soon I will be expanded to my desired size and then will wait the 3-4 months for the exchange. woot woot! Almost there I am halfway! I will chat more later I am going upstairs to sit on the couch and help my family try and find somthing about the fire crackers! LOL!

New Tattoo

2010-05-14T11:29:00.001-07:00

This is going to be my next tattoo when I can get to Texas to have Danny do it. I text him right after I had found out all my tests were clear of no cancer and told him I wanted him to draw me up a tattoo- I asked for a crown because "Stephanie" means "crowned one" and of course I have to have the pink breast cancer ribbon. This is what he drew and I absolutely love it. I am however, going to have him add the date I got clearence that I was cancer free. I can not wait to get down there to see my family and get this tattoo it is going to mean so much to me... I just wanted to share...

3rd Fill today at 3:00 p.m.

2010-05-14T06:20:00.001-07:00

Good Morning! Well I get my 3rd fill today at 3 p.m. I am pretty pumped about it as it has been almost 2 weeks since my last fill. I have almost finished a full week of work and all I can say is Thank God it is Friday! It has been nice getting back into the groove and it has kicked my butt! I think this morning is the first mornings I have felt like I have had enough energy to take on my work schedule. I know it will get better. I have been reading so much about Tamoxifen and other drugs also the HER2 receptor. I am learning so much about cancer. I want to be educated about this more than ever and I think by reading everything I can I will be more aware of my surroundings and situation. I am so thankful that I continued to be aware of breast cancer due to my Mother's dignosis back in 1990. I knew that I would someday come face to face with this illness but I sure didn't think it would be at 40 years old. But I guess being younger does have some advantages for getting back on my feet so soon. I guess I shouldn't complain because I am so thankful but I sure as hell hate this disease. I HATE IT! I want the scientists to find a cure, we must there are too many people sick with this horrible disease some are worse than others but we must raise money, do relay's for life everything we can think of to raise money to help the scientists come up with something to cure this... that is all I have this morning. Everyone have a safe weekend and I will update my blog later tonight after my fill.

Seeing the world through different eyes...

2010-05-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

I have survived what I thought wasn't possible. I have stared death in the face and it is now time to step back and reasses my life. I want to look at how I leave my mark on earth now. Some decide to go back to school, work part time, spend more time with their children etc. I am considering short and long term goals as well. I also focus on how I can make a difference for others who follow me and are diagnosed with this horrible disease. I am connected to an extrodinary group of women who share common thoughts, dreams and fears. I am now in the Cancer Family. I may either band together to make a difference or strike out of my own regarding how I want to spend the rest of my life. What I thought was important before may have little meaning to me now. This can be very confusing to all of you who are around me, as you might expect things to return to "normal". There is no "norman" for me. I have to find a "new normal" and I am working hard to accomplish this. This experience has changed me, for the better and my life is more precious and valued than it was before. No doubt about it, i have got in touch with mortality. It is hard for me to spend time with family, friends and co-workers it is hard for them to understand that I am not the same person as I was before my diagnosis. I am different in a lot of ways. Life is so precious; never taking anything for granted; and valuing my relationships differently than I ever did before. I am thinking about becoming a volunteer that is one of the best ways to move forward with my experience with breast cancer is to help those who are diagnosed after me. By helping someone else I feel it will help myself psycologically because although my physical recovery from breast cancer may take a short amount of time, emotional recovery can take a lifetime. I just want everyone to understand that yes I am still "Stephanie" but a little different in a lot of ways. I see things differently now than I ever did before. I want to live a healthier lifestyle, starting with nutrition, then exercise, lowering my stress and continuing to not smoke. I am so proud of myself it has been 2 months today since I quit smoking. Yippee! Happy Dance :) The small things that used to mean a lot to me depending on what it was doesn't mean anything. I mean if my sister comes to visit and the dishes are not done is that really something to freak out and stress over? NO! Is it really important to me when a co-worker starts gossiping about another co-worker or person? No! That isn't important at all... Life is way too short when you are faced with a deadly illness like Cancer. I want to make a mark on this earth, a good mark nothing negative... Until you go through something like this you really don't know what we cancer patients go through. So I am now seeing the world through different eyes....

I am a SURVIVOR!

2010-05-11T06:31:00.016-07:00

I received the results of the Bone and CT Scan yesterday and I am in the clear! Dr. Reddy smiled as he told me the news and said, Stephanie very good outcome :) Your breast cancer was Stage 1 and was 1.5 centimeters. I have posted a picture of early detection breast cancer as well... And my breast cancer was very small- But he said what sort of treatment do we need to do? Chemotherapy and Radiation is not an option as the cancer is gone since I had a double mastectomy and no lymph nodes were infected and then since the bone and ct scan came back clear of cancer then what options are there? Well here is what I was told. My HER2 was positive which means this- In HER2+ breast cancer, the cancer cells have an abnormally high number of HER2 genes per cell. When this happens, too much HER2 protein appears on the surface of these cancer cells. This is called HER2 protein overexpression. Too much HER2 protein is thought to cause cancer cells to grow and divide more quickly. This is why HER2+ breast cancer is considered aggressive. Also my hormone receptor tested positive as well.....Now this is where it gets complicated since the cancer is gone but my cancer tested positive for the HER2 then my oncologist believes the best treatment for me is tamoxifin for 5 years. What Tamoxifin will do is block off breast cancer cells in my body. Tamoxifen has been used for almost 10 years to reduce the risk of breast cancer in women who are at increased risk of developing breast cancer. The known, serious side effects of tamoxifen are blood clots, strokes, uterine cancer, and cataracts. Other side effects include menopause-like symptoms such as hot flashes, vaginal dryness, joint pain, and leg cramps (see Questions 4-8). The results of the Breast Cancer Prevention Trial (BCPT) showed a reduction in diagnoses of invasive breast cancer among women who took tamoxifen for 5 years. I am apprehensive about this drug because of the side effects and also because my breast cancer is gone but Dr. Reddy feels this is the best treatment for me without using chemotherapy. My sister is currently taking this drug and she has been doing fine the only side effect she has is hot flashes. So I hope I will do ok with it. I just took my 1st dose and nervous I was. I am thankful that I do not have to have chemotherapy or anything like that so I guess I will just go with the flow. I am going to post a picture of the HER2+ gene here- but this is great news very good news and I can't imagine it being a better outcome than this. I am so happy I cried when I left his office yesterday because I was so overjoyed! I am going to follow doctors orders and continue to work on getting my new foobs in order. I go for a fill on Friday and I can't wait. I am also going to read up a little more on this HER2+ information so I am more educated and hopefully I can educate more women who have this positive reading. Have a wonderful Tuesday it is going to be a beautiful day :)

Back to work..

2010-05-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

I am at work Yippee! I am writing from my work computer - I came in this morning when I got to the door there was this huge sign that says "Welcome Back Stephanie" And everyone signed it. I opened up the door and there was a big bouquet of balloons on my desk and pink streamers around my desk. I was like awwwwww! Thank you everyone! They brought food and everything - I can't even begin to thank everyone so much. The love they have given to me since March has been extrodinary and I will never forget it. All the support they have showed me has given me so much strength to get through this bump in the road - I am getting back to normal I feel now as I took my first phone call. It sort of felt weird but also felt so right like this is where I belong. I missed everyone so much. I am going to close for now I go see Oncologist today at 2:40 for my results on the bone and CT scan. Have a wonderful day peeps!

Scans are done...

2010-05-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

I got the CT and Bone Scan's done yesterday. The hardest part for me was the IV I hate them... let me repeat I hate needles period!!!!!!!! I go into this type of out of body experience when I know one of them is coming at me. It is a phobia and I rock, I cry, I bitch, I moan, I complain you name it I give it to them nurses and I know it isn't their fault but I am a big big pus when it comes to any needle. I just hate them..... First off my left side is hard to find a vein. I had a perfect spot on my right side but since they removed lymph nodes I can no longer have anything done to my right arm. So first nurse poked the needle into my hand and decided she was going to move that dam thing around in my freaking hand- come on people! That F*#$%&^! Hurts! So she couldn't get it she pulls it out afer 10 minutes of me about to fly up outta that chair. A second nurse comes in she puts the tightening belt around my arm again. This nurse had no problems finding a vein to stick it in. Still hurt like total hell but she got it! Next up radiation. They injected a small amount of radiation into the IV. I go upstairs to room 403 which is the Cancer Treatment Center I check in and I am told more lab work. AGGGGHHHH I thought to myself so I immediately said, are you going to poke me? They said no we can get blood from the IV I said, thank you Lord! Another problem they couldn't get any blood out of the IV at first and I thought to myself if they have to poke me I am going to not make it up in here today.... Another nurse had to come in and save the day and she got some blood out of the IV. Then they gave the wonderful "Barium" nasty S#$%! I got Vanilla it was so nasty I can't even find the words to explain. It is like buttermilk in a way very thick but you have to drink it in order for your organs to show up on the CT Scan. I finished what I could of that and visited with a few other Breast Cancer Patients while I waited. My little beeper finally went off and off I went to the CT Room. Very nice lady put me on the gurney I told her I was freezing to death so she got me a warm blanket. Little did I know what was about to happen. She said, we have to inject some fluid into your IV now you might feel like your peeing your pants etc. some patients have different sensations but mostly they feel like they are peeing their pants. Ok so she injects this stuff up in my IV instantly I was burning up I said can you please take off the blanket this stuff is making me very hot. Other than that I felt some sensation around my "private area" due to the fact the medicine she injected me with was to coat your blood vessells so go figure right! :) Anyway- got the scan done in as little as 10 minutes - off I go she takes me back to waiting room and there is Russell sitting there reading a magazine I said hon let's go eat so off we went. We came back to Cancer Treatment Center around 12:40 because my Bone Scan was scheduled for 1 pm I was called back on time this scan took a little longer about 20 minutes on top and 20 minutes on my bottom side. Then we came home. I was so glad to get this over with now I sit and wait for results. That is the part I hate. I am very positive it is negative but it is still scary. I go back to work on Monday 5/10/10 I am so ready :) well there you have it my wonderful day at the Cancer Treatment Center.. I hope to post again on Friday as I have my third fill yippee!!!!

CT Scan and Bone Scan Tomorrow 5/4/10

2010-05-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have a CT Scan and Bone Scan at the Cancer Center. I am not looking forward to it but all I know it isn't going to be painful. I am anxious and will be ready to find out the results next Monday the 10th of May. I go back to work that day and I am so ready to get this over with. I am scared of these scans but I am sure it is going to be fine. Alot has happened in 2 months my nerves have finally settled down and I feel as though I am getting closer to a more relaxed life again. Once I get back to work and into the swing of things life will feel Normal... If this scan comes back negative (which I am sure it will.. fingers crossed) I am truly Cancer FREE and a SURVIVOR! I signed up for 2 Breast Cancer Relays in June and I am super excited :) I am also ready for October (Breast Cancer Month) to do the walk :) Well not much going on except getting ready for my scans tomorrow... I will get on and post once I am finished with that tomorrow. Have a great day everyone!

2nd fill

2010-04-29T15:13:00.001-07:00

I had my second fill yesterday 4/28/10. He put 90 cc's in each side. I am very tight but amazing my foobs are growing! LOL! I am doing really really good. I am ready to get back into the groove I go back to work May 10th :) I spent today getting my hair cut at 10 am with my good friend Corissa C. from Corporate Lodging she goes to school at Paul Mitchell and she did an outstanding job on my hair today. I then went to the American Cancer Society as I have been searching for a pink bracelet one of those rubber ones and I couldn't seem to find one anywhere. I also wanted a magnet for my car. I went there and can you believe they have none! Really? American Cancer Society has no ribbons, no t-shirts, no bracelets, no magnets NOTHING! I was in shock so this lady who works there said try "The Hundred Acre Wood" off Harry and I35 so I called them before I drove that far of course and she said yes we have some breast cancer stuff... Well.. I get there and I was amazed. This store carries all kinds of breast cancer stuff. Magnets for refrigerators & cars, pink bracelets (like I wanted) Mine says "survivor" I got my girls some too :) I also got a silver bracelet with pink ribbons attached to it. I got a purse calendar that has a pink ribbon on it... I got a car magnet, a breast cancer hat and a magnet for my refrigerator. I am definately going back for more stuff they have everything to tissue holders :) they also carry alot of really cute cute stuff for women. Anywho I had an outstanding day I told them they had made my day because I finally found what I was looking for. I am sick of the wind here GOD! but I guess I can say I am thankful it isn't snow or tornado weather out... he he.. All is good I had a rough night lastnight as my muscle's were being stretched and I was up and down a lot but today I feel a bit better :) I am focusing on getting Sarah's Prom Pictures in the mail to all my friends and family... I had a bunch of wallets printed for everyone :) I am now downstairs working on a few cards that I had started and not finished. But all in all I am doing very well. I am amazed. I am starting to get used to the numbness across my chest and to me it feels normal if that is what normal is supposed to be. Don't get me wrong I get angry at times when I think back 2 months from today when this all started. I am angry I got breast cancer and I have the scars to prove it but hey.. God only gives us what we can handle no more no less... well that is all for today. I feel GREAT and ready to get on with this foob process :) Everyone have a great evening!

Junior Prom 2010

2010-04-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

You ladies all know that when that time comes for your daughter to go to prom it is like the most exciting thing you have longed for since she was a baby. Well... Sarah's was this past Saturday, April 24th and I would like to just post a picture of her I can not resist. She is my princess - she blew me away at how beautiful she was. She cleans up pretty nicely... LOL! She is such a good daughter I couldn't have asked for anything better she is perfect in every way possible... I love you Sarah Renae...

Fill em Up!

2010-04-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

Ha ha I sound like I am at a gas station when I say that! I saw Dr. Poggi this morning at 10 a.m. for my first fill. Yes I was scared but he talked me through everything he is an amazing person always happy, always joking he is just full of life and doing what he loves to do best. I am at home now and yes I feel it I can feel the tightness of it and the stretching feeling in my muscle's. It doesn't hurt it is just uncomfortable. He told me that in the expander's there is a magnet inside it and so how he found the port hole to fill me up was he took a magnet and went around the top of my left breast and you could see the magnet move and that told him where the port hole was. He then rubbed my skin with alcohol then iodine and I kept lifting my hands up in the air he told me to keep them down. I am not sure why I was doing this probably because I was nervous. Anywho... he then made some markings on my left side where the port hole is and then told me he was going to stick the needle in. I didn't feel it except when it went through the muscle and it was a little twitch there but other than that not that bad. At about 150 cc's I said oh that is tight tight... so we stopped he said normally for first fill we do 180 cc's but I told him I almost made it! LOL! so I now have 450 cc's of saline in my expander. (I think it is saline?) I have been informed with so much lately it is hard to remember. But then we continued to talk he is so funny and I am so thankful to have him as my plastic surgeon I will definately tell all my friends and family and even any stranger I come across that is needing a plastic surgeon Dr. Poggi is the one! He has a great bedside maner and he cares or his patients... His nurse is a sweetie too her name is Celeste she always helps me to breath when I get scared. All in all I feel ok I am ready to go rest we will see what the rest of the day brings for me. But hip hip hooray my first fill :) sweetness :)

Bone Scan and CT Scan

2010-04-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't wrote in a few days so I thought I would update everyone. I went to the oncologist yesterday. I had not seen a cancer doctor so my breast surgeon thought it would be best to let him make whatever call needs to be made if I needed to have any treatment. I saw Dr. Reddy. He was very nice and explained to me that the breast cancer was invasive it was not what they had thought originally it has just started to invade my breast. It was also a high grade III cancer (Comedo) Since it was a high grade and more aggresive cancer Doctor feels that a bone scan and ct scan should be done to make sure no cancer has spread to other parts of my body. It is preventative medicine. He said that there is a slight chance that it could have spread since it was so small my invasive cancer was 1.5 cm and my DCIS in the milk duct was 7mm so quite small however, he would feel more safe if we did this test. Of course this bummed me out so bad yesterday. I was like hmmmm... I removed both my breasts and I do not have cancer anymore but yet you want to do a bone scan and ct scan? I was not happy about it at all but after I thought more about it - it's the best thing that could happen he is making sure I do not have cancer anywhere else. If my scans come back good then he is going to put me on a pill called tamoxifin (spelling?) it is to prevent my body from developing breast cancer again. Remember when you do a double mastectomy you still have a 1% chance of getting breast cancer again I mean that is a low low number but folks it can happen. I have been doing good I am finally slowly quiting my pain med's now I get my first fill tomorrow so I am a little scared about that because Dr. Poggi said it would be painful. AGGGHH! I often think to myself is this ever going to end? No it isn't Stephanie I have to deal with this CANCER the rest of my life I am a cancer survivor but I am a cancer patient. I will always be a cancer patient. I took my daughter Sarah to the eye doctor today and of course you have to fill out paperwork so the paper work listed illnesses. Have you ever had blah blah blah and it comes down to about the 8th one on the list and it says *CANCER* Sarah answers "NO" but if you have had any close relatives please list them. Ok so we did, we listed me of course, I am the Mom and then I had to list my Mother which was her Grandmother. Poor kid only 17 years old and having to list me already as having cancer and then her Grandmother. Just frustrating. Going to the cancer center yesterday was frustrating too that is where I took my Momma to get her treatments when she was battling cancer it brought back so many memories of her little self walking in there to get her blood drawn etc. it made me sad. Anywho I am trying to keep positive and stay strong I have been through the worst part of it all the "surgery" I just have to stay positive that these scans will come back negative for cancer and then I take a pill everyday for the next 5 years and hope to God I do not develop cancer again. I have been starting to stamp and make a few cards if you want to view them please go to www.stippleshapes.blogspot.com it is my other blog. My hobby is making cards and I have been out of the loop for so long so I have been making some thank you's. It has kept my mind off things and it is something I truly enjoy in my spare time. I will post tomorrow hopefully after my fill and let you know how that goes. Otherwise, the scans are scheduled for May 4th beginning at 10am it is an all day thing too GRRRRR!!!

Bad Day...

2010-04-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

Today has been just a bad day. Everything I wanted to do I didn't do. My emotions are running wild. I can't even hardly type I am so depressed and so hurt. I can't believe people treat people the way they do knowing what they have been through. I have been through something so terrible so horrible beyond your wildest imaginations and for this person to talk to me the way she did today totally crushed me. I ask what have I done? What have I done to deserve this? I am at least I think I am a good person but lately I have to question myself. Am I this imperfect person to hurt so much? I have shed so many tears for years and I am so tired of being sad. I cry for my Mom, I cry for my Dad I cry because all I have seen for years is death and sadness. I cry because of what I have had to endure and what is to come. I am scared I am a weak person at times. Life isn't fair but I guess we have to make the best of it. I learned today that I won't get a pay check on the 23rd I was under the impression that I had to use all of my vacation and that is not the case. My daugher's yearbook is due, her pictures, her prom I have so many things I have to purchase with no money. I am just sad today real sad. Her Daddy is laid off work too and no income either. I don't know what I will do but I guess just pray and make it work somehow. I am sorry I don't have any good news today and just sadness but that is just how I feel - I am pissed I am hurt I am all of the above. I just want my Mom I wish she was here to hold me. I am so sick of my kids coming over and seeing me cry that is all they see now. This whole thing sucks and I hope it is over soon I wish I could blink my eyes and it is April 2011 by then my implants will be in and my new foobs will be done completed and this whole thing will be over but I guess I have to be patient it takes time to heal. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day and I get to smile instead of cry.... that is all I have for today sorry....

Drains are out!

2010-04-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

I had my last 2 drains out today :) **happy dance** I am FREE! LOL! I am doing better every day I do get tired easily. I got to see my breast surgeon today Dr. Cusick she is the one who took out the bad tissue in my breasts she gave me the pathology report of my tissue and it stated that the cancer had just started to move outside the duct to become invasive cancer. I am truly lucky for catching this cancer so early on to be able to get rid of it once and for all. I can't even imagine if I had not gone to that mammogram appointment March 3rd. And here I am 12 days out post-op I longed for this day for this week because before surgery I was scared way beyond belief. I am still a bit scared I do not like surgery in the least and I know that sooner or later the implant surgery will be around the corner. I still can't feel anything across my chest and it pisses me off! My boobs are gone which honestly doesn't bother me a whole lot it just makes me mad that I had cancer and now I have the scars to live with the rest of my life. My grandchildren will ask me someday what happened and I will have a story to tell. Most important is my health and I am not taking anything for granted anymore life is way to short. What I worry about now though is not only my health but my girls health. Sarah my oldest will be 18 in December should I start worrying now that she may get breast cancer? It scares me to death. I would do this surgery a thousand times over just so neither one of my kids have to go through this sometime in their life. I pray that it skips them but there is always that worry. I don't know where I should go from here if I should discuss this with my doctors about getting her started with mammograms? I mean I got cancer at 40 could it be earlier for her? I sure hope not. I just don't know what to do? I guess discuss it with the doctor on my next visit and go from there. Dr. Poggi is going to start filling up my expander's next Wednesday he informed me it is painful and that I won't be able to lift or do anything for about 3 days each fill so that doesn't sound like a lot of fun but if I can get through this removal ok I am sure the fill's will move along ok too. I am just a big ole' scardy cat! LOL! I can do some driving now so I am anxious to get away tomorrow by myself. No one to bother me I need a day alone to think, pray, cry or just what ever happens.

Numbness I hate it!

2010-04-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you have when you go to dentist and half of your face is numb and just touching it feels so gross? Well, try touching your chest and having that same feeling. I can not feel anything across my chest and under both arms right now. I hate it!! I am sick of it already. I feel tingling sensations all the time and the muscle spasms but no feeling. I so hope that this is not how I am going to feel for the rest of my life I am not sure I can handle that. Cancer leaves a horrible scar on people mentally and physically. I am so angry- Angry that this has happened to me - you ask yourself... why? why me? Hell why anyone? I will tell you though for those women out there that do this to enhance their look on their chest are NUTS! I wouldn't have went through anything like this to make my boobs look bigger or whatever! That is crazy! I couldn't imagine having to endure this kind of pain and suffering for augmentation on my breasts forget that! I am just angry today- it just makes me so mad to know I had breast cancer and lost my boobs because of it. I think I am still in shock over the whole situation. I sit in my room on the bed and so many things run through my mind it just makes no sense how this horrible disease gets so many of us. It isn't fair!!!!!! I am a different person now I am a cancer survivor and I am now in that family of cancer survivors. I am not like you who don't have cancer or who has never had cancer your different than me. I will always be different no matter how you look at it - I will never be the same person maybe the same sense of humor and things like that but as a person I am different. It is hard to explain but I feel different and most importantly I look different. I am tired this morning and a little pissy, my chest feels so weird and I feel like a brick is sitting on my chest at all times, I can't sleep no other way except on my back and I am so not a back sleeper so that has taken it's toll on me. I would give anything to sleep on my left side. I am not a person who wants to get waited on hand and foot and I just can't wait to be able to open my own door, get my own coffee cup out of the cabinet, pour my milk in my cereal bowl or even brush my hair the way I used to. GRRRR! Just not a happy camper this morning... I hope you all have a wonderful weekend maybe it will turn into a brighter day for me later on... sorry I am just bummed this morning....

Support...

2010-04-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

I had a bouquet of flowers delivered to me yesterday from my friend Shelli who I work with and they are so beautiful. A few days earlier my work had sent a big bouquet of flowers that was on Friday they are gorgeous too. It lifts your spirits so much when you receive such wonderful surprises during this difficult time. It sure did put a smile on my face both times and I thank them so very much. Also... my boss Shawn, his wife Deb, my co-workers, Cella, Jennifer and Megan put together a feast for my family and I and brought it over last Friday. I was in shock at how much food they had cooked for me and my family. They all are so dear to me. When they left I looked at my sister and I said, I just can't believe this and I cried so hard, it was a cry of happiness knowing how many people truly care about me and when something like this happens to someone people band together to support one another. The food has been so good. We have ate on it all week and I am so very thankful for you all! The best part of the food peice was they made me some boobs out of rice crispie treats lol! Yes it was hilarious, the boobs of course were round and they used a light chocolate for the aerola part then the nipple was a hershey kiss - too funny! Rusty said I am sure going to eat your boobs baby :) LOL! They have been eaten and they were so good :) I even got a taste :) nothing like tasting your own boobs! LOL! I continue to get stronger everyday, the smallest things wear me out. Just a trip to the doctor or to Wal-Mart I am done and ready for a nap. I was in pain pretty badly lastnight so Rusty got me fed and sent me off to bed I think I finally dozed off around 11:30 P.M. and I woke up at 8:00 a.m. I slept real good and I feel pretty good this morning. I had a great day yesterday but I may have just overdone it. Rusty took me to Nails Today so I could get my nails done. All the ladies in there were so excited to see me and wanted to hear my story so I sat there and talked while Hana did my nails it was good to see them and to get back to normal sort of. We left there and went to store and by then I was done ready to be home and relaxing. I am glad that is all we did. I never thought pre-op that I would be able in the 1st week to get out of the house. I totally thought I would be in bed for the 1st two weeks or so but that hasn't happened. I am sore don't get me wrong and in pain at times but not extreme pain and when I feel that I stop and rest. Whether it be watching a movie, coloring in a coloring book (thank you Sally) or just visiting with friends on the phone. My chest let's get to that. It feels like I am being squeezed by a snake. If you imagine a snake around your chest just squeezing and squeezing that is what I feel constantly. I am constantly having muscle spasms (which is normal) I can feel the expanders under my skin and they are heavy. I sometimes feel like there is a brick just sitting on top of my chest at all times. I am still pretty numb around the area and under both arms not sure if that feeling will ever come back or not? The muscle spasms are a trip they feel so weird like worms crawling under my skin. They can flutter or just move in a wave type motion. It sometimes grosses me out and I make a funny face and Rusty thinks I am in pain and starts freaking out. I tell him it is just the muscle spasms. Sleeping on my back for 8 hours suck! There is no other way I can sleep right now and I am not a back sleeper but when you are so exhausted you just drift off and sleep and forget about it. But my back is sore almost every morning when I wake up. Well.. that is my update for today. I hope to have another good day today :) I will write more when I can... everyone have a wonderful day! It is beautiful outside and I am alive and cancer free!!!!

Hooray 2 drains are out!!!

2010-04-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

I have had a wonderful day today :) Hip Hip Hooray! I went to the doctor they removed 2 of the 4 drains **happy dance** :) Dr. Poggi said I look really good and everything is healing great :) They even removed the tape from the incisions and funny I was able to feel that! Celeste (Doctor Poggi's Nurse said that is a good sign that some feeling is coming back) I am stoked! Let me go back a few days to catch up. Easter was sort of a blurr, yesterday Rusty left to take Tatum to the dentist and the hair on my legs were extremly long and it was driving me crazy! So as I lay there in bed I thought to myself I can take a shower I know I can. So I hollared at Sarah told her to get me a long peice of ribbon out of my stamping room I tied up all 4 drains and in the shower I went. Wow! I did it! I was able to shower and also shave my legs without no one's help :) Rusty of course was very upset with me because I didn't wait for him but I wanted to see if I could do it. And I proved to him and myself that I could. I was exhausted after the shower but felt so much cleaner. When people give you a bath it just isn't the same as you taking on your own body. I am finally able to look in the mirror at my chest it doesn't bother me I continue to think months ahead at the outcome of my new foobs! I have had minimum pain I am now down 1 percocet a day Hooray another happy dance :) It is amazing what your body can do for itself and I am totally amazed at how good I have done with this whole thing. I know without my family, friends and God I couldn't have done this... A BIG THANK YOU TO YOU ALL! I haven't missed my breasts I know they would eventually kill me and now they can't and won't- I am a breast cancer survivor! I will wear my pink proud that I took it on and I come out a winner! You have no idea how greatful you are for everything when something like this happens to you. I never noticed the sky, tree's flowers none of it because it was just normal and I know I have wrote about this before but now it is more real. Life it is a gift and you need to take it all in every single day and don't waste it. I wanted to say that Sarah (my oldest daughter) has been a real hero for me. She has comforted me when I have cried, held my hand when I hurt and just been there to listen to my feelings. She went back to her Dad's yesterday and I truly miss her. Shanie has been awsome too, she has got my food, snacks, water and helped with some of the house cleaning. I don't know what I did but I must have done something right to raise 2 awsome girls. Rusty continues to make me laugh. He has taken such great care of me. Cleaning my drains, giving me showers, helping me in and out of bed, washing the laundry, cleaning the house and taking care of the whole household. He has been wonderful I love him dearly. For anyone who has had or fixing to have a double mastectomy it is what you make of it. You can either be positive or be scared and fearful of the unknown and think negatively but I believe with my positive thoughts and such a wonderful support system that is why I am able to sit here and type this today I am doing great - I wouldn't say 100% great but doing considerably well for just having surgery 7 days ago. I will keep you posted.

Easter Sunday

2010-04-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hi Peeps! It has been a while since I posted. I haven't felt like getting on the internet I have been just trying to rest my body. Let's see my drains are stil in and they suck! I hate them, I can only sleep on my back and it is taking it's toll. I purchased 2 body pillows before surgery and I am so glad I did that has truly helped me out a lot - my sister left yesterday morning I miss her already. I finally took a look see at my chest yesterday and it shocked me and I cried almost all day I cried. It comes down to everything I have been through the cancer, the surgery, the saddness the anger all of it. I am sad because my beautiful breasts are gone, and looking at my chest in the mirror and seeing no nipples is so hard to imagine. Also, I can't feel a dam thing across my chest and it sucks I do not like this feeling at all. It is completly numb it is something I will have to get used to because from what I understand this is how it will be for a long time. I have had absolutely no pain at all the only thing I feel is tightness in my chest and of course my numbness. The worst part of this all was not being able to use the rest room and having to drink this horrible stuff to make you go - it was not that great but I finally went and it was like giving birth or something... LOL! It was like a relief! I am so thankful to be alive and to get this second chance there is so many things wondering through my mind daily and I just can't think straight yet. I am 6 days out from surgery and I feel pretty good just really tired and sluggish. The kids colored easter eggs lastnight while I laid in bed I listened to them talk about what colors they were going to do each one of their eggs it was neat. I missed it but at least I could hear it. So much has happened in these last 6 days and I just don't feel up to typing it all - I am holding my own and getting stronger everyday as soon as I feel up to it I will post again. talk to you soon

Two days post op!

2010-04-01T03:40:00.000-07:00

I made it!Woohoo! Surgery went well they checked my lymph nodes and no cancer was found nor was thre any cancer found in my left breasts! Hooray! Waking up and looking down at my chest wasn't that bad at all. I think I am like an "A" cup right now. I have the expanders in and they feel like 2 hard rocks sitting on my chest. The incisions are not that bad at all and I hardly have any pain. I went into surgery at 2:30 p.m. on 3/30/10 by the time I got out of recovery it was around 9:15 p.m. ny whole family was there to greet me as I came out unfortunately I do not remember hardly any of that. I slept most of the night Tuesday and slept until around 1:00 p.m. on Wednesday - everytime I sat up I felt like I was going to vomit so I would just lay back down. Dr. Poggi came into see me yesterday morning and he sat me up and poor guy he had to watch me throw up I started crying teling him I was so sorry he said your fine... I finally ate some crackers and had some sprite and that seemed to help my nausia. Even though Anesthesiologist gave me tons and tons of nausia medicine it didn't help I am just one of those people who get sick. The most pain that I am experiencing is my arms they hurt bad I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck... The drains suck to. I have 4 of them 2 on each side of my chest and we have to drain those every 8 hours or so. Other than that I am taking my pain medicine and just chillin here at the house. I wanted to update everyone though. I am doing real good and I am cancer free!!! Hooray! I am now a SURVIVOR! I will try and post something this evening...

Night before Surgery...

2010-03-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

It is now the night before surgery. I have had another busy day today. I went to the cemetery to see my Mother's grave.... I just felt it was right. I had to visit with her it felt so good to be there, maybe it made me a little more at ease I don't know but I am so glad I went. I miss her dearly and I know she is going to be there with me holding my hand through it all in spirit. I love her so much... Had lunch at Connie's Mexican restaurant around 11 a.m. with my sister Debbie and brother Ricky and my little neice Ayvrie Grace. Ayvrie was born with Turner Syndrome and this baby girl is the love of my life. She is the sweetest loving little child you will ever meet in your life. She is a blessing to us all in our family and we love her dearly. She is so worried about her Aunt Stephanie and she continues to hug me and give me her love through this - We came home and settled in for the afternoon I laid down to take a nap because my back was hurting so bad. I am not sure if I twisted wrong or something but it sure has been bothering me. Rusty got home and we went and bought me two great big long pillows for the bed for when I get home so I can sort of prop myself up instead of lying flat. What a great man he is - he has been by my side since I found out I had cancer. I love him so very much, he is my rock my soul... Then my sister wanted a good ole fashioned greasy cheeseburger so off to Bionic Burger we went - my last meal a greasy ole cheeseburger LOL! But it sure was delicious... Now we are just putting together the last minute details of tomorrows events. I packed my bag put my nice new little house coat in the bag some socks, panties and my night gown and a shirt to wear home. I am taking a Zanex (spelling?) before I go to sleep and again around 8:30 a.m. in the morning. I know this is going to help me with my nerves. I feel real good about this whole thing. Time has sure flown by from when I first found out I had breast cancer. But I know tomorrow after I come out of surgery I am not going to have cancer anymore it will be over and my breasts as I know them will be gone. I have sort of said good bye to them tonight a few minutes ago. I sat in my room holding them and remembering feeding my babies with them and all the wonderful fun I have had with them... I will miss you boobies but I know my new foobs will not threaten my life and I can live without ever worrying about breast cancer again thanks to my Mother who fought for her life in 1995 to save mine. God Bless you Mom and everything you did for me for us our family you are truly a blessing and you have given me the courage and strength to endure this surgery tomorrow. With my family by my side off down the hall I go into an unknown territory only a few of us will see in our lifetime. This is only good bye for now until I am able to get back online and continue my story of this incredible journey with breast cancer and my bilateral mastectomy. I truly want to say to everyone that has been following and reading if it wasn't for all your support over the last month I could not have done this - it was all of you who has helped me though this and will continue to do so... I love you all - good night...

2 Days until Surgery wow

2010-03-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Have I had a busy weekend. Yesterday I went shopping I purchased some shirts button down for after surgery. I did a little grocery shopping but didn't get all of it done. I cleaned the entire house top to bottom it feels really good and smells so clean and refreshed. I am still pretty positive I have no broke down and I don't feel that I am going to. I went out with Rusty lastnight to the Casino and I took $40 and came home with $300 :) that was pretty good. That would be our last night together at the Casino until several weeks on down the road. I got up this morning and Kayla had called me and asked me to go buy her some nursing gowns so off to Maternity Hood I went and I got her 2 pajama outfits and another nursing shirt they are still at the hospital waiting to be released I so can't wait for her to come home so I can go see the baby they live 1 block north of our house in some apartments. After that I went to Wal-Mart and finished up the rest of the grocery shopping, I then came home and ate and talked with Rusty a while. I picked up my girls from their Dad's and they came home and then they all left again they went to the mall and Shanie my little one went to some Train exhibit with her Uncle Dayne. She loves him so much. All is good I haven't honestly thought about it and that is a good thing. The only time I stopped and thought about my boobs was at Target yesterday I went there to look for an oversized pillow because I am not a back sleeper and alot of the women who have done this said to get one of those big ole pillows and of course I went and they wanted like $20 for one and I was like ah no way! So I am going to figure out something else. Anywho... I started to walk up to the front and low and behold found myself surrounded by bra's! I was in the lingere department. I started looking around at all of them all the sizes and thought wow something so beautiful that fits in these can kill you. I sort of got sad - because I know after this I won't really be able to wear anything pretty like a nice pretty lace up bra - maybe I will but it just seems weird to place 2 fake boobs into a bra that is so soft, durable and sexy it just don't fit and doesn't seem right- I stood there and almost for 1 minute cried but I kept on walking and kept looking. I stared at all the poster boards of the young beautiful women modeling them and wondered she could have cancer or she could have it to & wondered if they are even scared that those wonderful bra's with their boobs inside could kill them one day. Total sadness came over me but I had to keep my chin up and kept walking. That was all that was it for 1 split second I thought.... I am now waiting on my sister to get here from Texas she just called me and is getting off the turnpike she will be here in probably 20 minutes I can't wait to see her it has been almost a year since I saw her last. I have everything in a row my bag for the hospital, my house is clean, I have enough food for everyone, my gas tank in my call is full and now I can sit back and relax and let all these wonderful people in my life help me get through this surgery in 2 days. I will have a lot of company tonight I am sure and also tomorrow but we will manage and it is also so good to see everyone. I am going to enjoy my evening with my children and family tonight and will post again tomorrow. Tomorrow night will be my last entry until I am on the other side of surgery. I hope to leave all of you with something a little special tomorrow evening... bye for now..

Introducing Kataliyna Rose new Grand Daughter

2010-03-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

Rusty's oldest daughter Kayla gave birth today to a beautiful little girl her name is Kataliyna Rose - I missed the actual birth because I had to work and it was my last day at work today. I have 6 weeks off beginning on Monday and I had to save all the time I have. So immediately after I got off work I raced up to the hospital to hold her. She is amazing it sure did get my mind off my issue's for a while and I enjoyed holding her and kissing her. And snapping so many pictures of her. She weighs 6 pounds, 15 ounces and was 19 inches long. After visiting and holding the baby I came home and got busy. I tell you my bedroom is a filthy mess. I have dusted and vacuumed and put clothes up, cd's up, jewlery up and setting out my candles to make my room smell delicious. My co-workers were so awsome today they got me a basket full of goodies. I got like 6 movies, a pair of house slippers (pink) 4 magazines, lottery tickets, lotion, nail polish and fake nails. It made me cry when they gave it to me. But I put my BASKET next to my bed on the end table so I can reach all the goodies in it when I get home from surgery. I will truly miss them while I am gone. It is Friday night I can't even tell you how I am getting myself geared up for this surgery honestly I sometimes start to get that fearful feeling but it goes right away when I tell myself "Stephanie! this has to be done nothing you can do but be strong and get yourself through this... You can do this! It is 4 days away it is coming up upon me very quickly as I look back on this month it is such a blurr all the doctor visits, the emotions, the phone calls to family and friends the intimate conversations I have had with my boyfriend Rusty about loosing my boobs. I sit here and stare at the calendar and it has gone by so fast. It's amazing how I have made it to today without a nervous breakdown. You sometimes don't know your own strength. It has really amazed me. I mean two weeks ago I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and I quit cold turkey March 12th. I am so proud of myself and if I can do that I can get through this surgery - no matter what your not human if your not scared and I am scared but I want to wake up and be cancer free Tuesday evening and be able to look up and see my kids, my fiance', siblings and friends that I love the most and thank God for giving me a second chance at life. Tomorrow I have a big day finishing the house cleaning, we got a new stove and microwave delivered today so Rusty will have to work on putting that all up tomorrow morning. I also need to run to the mall and see if I can find me some buttom down or zip down shirts after surgery. I shall return peeps! I am doing pretty good tonight the closer it gets who knows? I may have another break down and loose it but remember I am HUMAN....

Grade III DCIS (High Grade)

2010-03-25T18:45:00.001-07:00

I wanted to post exactly what kind of Breast Cancer I have - it is DCIS Ductal Carsinoma In Situ Grade III High Grade. Here is what that means. In the high grade pattern DCIS Cells tend to grow more quickly and look much different from normal healthy breast cells. People with High Grade DCIS have a higher risk of invasive cancer, either when the DCIS is diagnosed or at some point in the future. They also have an increased risk of cancer coming back earlier- within the first 5 years than after 5 years. DCIS is sometimes described as "comedo" or "comedo necrosis" Comedo refers to areas of dead (necrotic) cancer cells which build up inside the tumor. When cancer grows quickly, some cells don't get enough nourishment. These cells starve and die off, leaving the areas of necrosis. I have posted a picture of what the cell looks like or the tumor looks like for DCIS Cancer... When I look at the picture it hurts to know that this is what is growing in my boob. It totally scares me to death. I want it out so bad that surgery isn't even scary to me anymore I want it done so I can move on with life. But I have done so much research on my type of breast cancer I know exactly what it is and have learned so much about it which makes me very educated. I talked to my GP today we talked about this high grade DCIS it is fast growing and could like the paragraph says above turn into invasive cancer that is what I do not want to risk getting. I have to remove my boobs. I am so thankful that I went to my appointment and was able to catch this early on so I had time to make wise decisions about my health.

5 days until Surgery

2010-03-25T14:01:00.006-07:00

Oh my goodness only 5 days left until surgery. I think I have all my ducks in a row. I have talked to all the doctors that I need to talk to and got my Pre-Op done as well. I think we are ready to roll. I have had trouble sleeping at night I wake up like freightened I guess and last night I had a charlie horse so bad that I had to get up out of bed and walk around owie owie I said.... I am trying to get myself prepared for this but I honestly don't think you are totally prepared for the pain that I am going to endure. I am thankful for an awsome support system with family adn friends they all ROCK! I love you all! I sometimes think to myself why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? It's life that is what it is all about. Life has it's ups and downs and we have to be strong to get through the down part of life. I thought my divorce in 2005 and the death of my parents were hard but this is the hardest of anything I have ever had to do. It is a challenge a big one. I cry off and on it is what it is and I have to just deal with it regardless if I don't want to. I don't want to die. I know for a fact that I never wish this upon anyone even my worst enemy - this isn't fair and I can not believe cancer is still killing thousands and thousands of people a year. It makes me so sad... I have lost a parent to this terrible disease, a sister a 17 year old little boy who was innocent and didn't deserve to get cancer and die. I hate this disease and I am going to win. I know my new hooters will not at all be the same, they will not feel the same, look the same or anything. I will loose all sensation in my chest that totally sucks a big root! It is just the grossness part of not feeling your skin etc. ew gross... but I would rather live with that than breast cancer. I am working tomorrow which it will be my last day I am off on FMLA leave from 3/29-5/10 that seems like such a long time. Summer is right around the corner and I won't really get to enjoy it much - I love to swim and I love to be in the sun and spend time with the girls at the pool. I love to tan too. My summer is going to be doctor appointments and getting pumped up in the chest so my new hooters look like my old ones in some way I guess you can say. I hope to spend a nice quiet evening with my family and have many laughs - until tomorrow... have a good night everyone...

Break Down

2010-03-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

So my brother came over tonight and is letting me borrow his lap top while I am laid up after surgery. I am currently using it now and it is a blessing to be able to lay in bed or sit up in bed and type. Awsome I gotta get me one of these when I get back on my feet. I didn't have a very good day today, I called my surgeon's office to check about the sentinal node injection that has me all upset. I wanted to know exactly what that ment so I called. Ok so the nurse tells me that my DCIS is High Grade ok so no one told me my cancer was High Grade. What that means is the DCIS breast cancer is a slow growing cancer but high grade is a faster growing cancer. Then we come to the lymph nodes I know I am worrying myself for no reason but I am so scared they will find cancer in my lymph nodes. It has me nuts. So I broke down at work. I couldn't believe it the tears just started flowing. I felt like the whole world was closing in on me. My co-workers all came to my aid they are so wonderful I got up and went to the restroom cried a bit and talked to Cella and Jennifer. After the nurse told me about the high grade I had to learn more. So I got on the internet and started reading the second I read about it that is what triggered my break down. It scared the hell outta me. Then everything came at me at once the surgery, cancer, radiation, death you name it I felt it. I just couldn't stay at work I told my boss not having a good day I want to go home and home is where I came. I came home continued crying - finally decided to watch a movie and relax and try and get it off my mind. I fell asleep maybe that is what I needed to relax and sleep. My life has changed so much I don't think people understand. The way I feel about things, life all of it. My kids said I have changed and I am sure I have I try not to stress out over stupid stuff anymore it isn't worth it. I don't argue with them like I used to cause it isn't worth it. Life is just too short. Anyway, after my nap was over I woke up feeling pretty good called my sister to go over some last minute details about the surgery that I had forgotten. She assured me that the senital node injection is protocal and they have to do that to make sure the cancer has not spread. It sort of eased my mind a bit. I have 2 more days of work before the weekend I hope I can get through the next two days so much is on my mind... cancer is a horrible disease and what comes along with it sucks too....

Pre-Op and Plastic Surgeon

2010-03-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

I had Pre-Op yesterday at Wesley Hospital that took forever! And they had to take blood my weakest part of my being- so disgusting.. ew! Anyway I had a wonderful nurse who took all my information I mean this woman got everything about me clear back to the good ole partying days he he... Then the anethesiologist head nurse came in to discuss the anesthesia that will be used and how all that works. Phobia= occurs in words which refer to a very strong, irrational fear- yep that is me. We talked about my fears of going to sleep she asked why am I so freightened I told her it is the whole process of being out of control with my body and the possibility of not waking up. The whole cutting me open process as well but I try not to think about that. We went over everything the anesthesiologist does. How he monitors my heart rate, my lungs, my blood pressure all of it. I also told her how sick I get coming out of the anesthesia so she said they would give me a nausia patch behind my ear and also some nausia medication before I even go under. I was like dang I am going to be doped up. So I left there and went and visited with a friend of mine had lunch and off to Dr. Poggi's office for my visit with him. We discussed everything he made me feel so comfortable and confident. And amazingly enough he said I would be going home the next day after surgery. I was like WHAT? Next day? ARE YOU SERIOUS? He said yes. So that was in a way a good feeling I guess I just hope I can feel up to going home that soon. He promised me that I would be in good hands and everything is going to go fine no worries. So I am a little more at ease even though I am still scared. But it is what it is and I have to go through this for myself, my kids and my family. I have no other choices. Life is very special to me and very important to me. I do have to do a sentinal node injection to find out if any lymph nodes are cancerous she said my DCIS is a slow growing cancer but high grade cancer. It is the fastest of the slow growing kind which doesn't make sense if it is fast then it is fast if it is slow then it is slow? Which one? Anyway she said it is very unlikely they will find any cancer in my lymph nodes but you are still worried out of your mind that it could possibly have spread. That is my biggest fear... I will update my blog again tomorrow God give me strength...

Mastectomy photo's

2010-03-22T11:12:00.002-07:00

I wanted to post this so as some of you read you can see what exactly the stages are of a bilateral mastectomy. 1st photo is pre op, 2nd photo is of course after the mastectomy and her expanders being pumped full of saline and she has healed quite nicely - then the last photo is the finish or complete set of BOOBS! Can you believe the nipples are tattoo's? WOW! Of course I am not getting cut this same way mine will be from nipple down and under the breast. Since I have very large breasts my surgeon told me I am a good canidate and it will be easy to work with me. Honestly it is not that bad at all... I think her new foobs are fabulous! Foobs= Fake Boobs! That is what they will be called after I am finished I will have FOOBS! If you can't handle looking at this photo please don't I am not posting this to make anyone sick or anything I just want people to actually see what plastic surgery can honestly do. This gives me so much hope for having a nice rack when complete. I know getting to the finish line is going to take some time - it could take up to 15 months I have been told. I am hoping mine doesn't take that long but at least I know in the end I am going to be cancer free and have some pretty nice looking FOOBS!